On Thursday of last week my dr and I decided it best to move from my Trileptal to Lamictal. So we cut my dose for Tri. to 1/2 and started Lam. at 1/4 the dose I will "eventually" be at. That is when my descent began. I was doing pretty much swell from the last time I wrote. I thought I was allright. I thought that things weren't so bad and that life would be good. I handled bad things that happened ok, and good things that happened in measure. I wasn't totally over the edge about anything. But I want another baby and in order to do that I can not be on Tri. because it causes Spinal Ebifida (a flaw in the knitting together of a babies spine). So for the past week the Tri. has been exiting my system and the world has gone from a pleasant unmoving not too emotional gray to an absolutely black cavern of Hell fire.
I called my dr. and left a message every day for the last 2 days. I don't know why we bother to have them, it's not like they really care. She won't even return my damn calls. I also called my therapist and she has not returned my calls either. I'm angry and I feel unloved, and to put icing on this cake of poison. Last night I started crying a little tear here and there in bed silently but my husband heard the change in my breathing turned on the light and was like "why are you crying." Not in a sweet caring I love you manner, but more like an accusation like how dare you have a strong emotion. Where is the comfortable gray! I didn't say a word and he went off on this diatribe that this is why he is not talking to me and until my medication gets straight he will not talk to me about anything. This threw me over the edge so I got up and sobbed downstairs for 2 hours. It was the last straw.
I write all this because I need a better support group. I need help from people who will invest time and energy into me. I want someone to care enough to listen and be there when things aren't great or even descent. I don't know that probably doesn't even exist. Maybe if I was to do something horrible maybe somebody would hear me.
I called my dr. and left a message every day for the last 2 days. I don't know why we bother to have them, it's not like they really care. She won't even return my damn calls. I also called my therapist and she has not returned my calls either. I'm angry and I feel unloved, and to put icing on this cake of poison. Last night I started crying a little tear here and there in bed silently but my husband heard the change in my breathing turned on the light and was like "why are you crying." Not in a sweet caring I love you manner, but more like an accusation like how dare you have a strong emotion. Where is the comfortable gray! I didn't say a word and he went off on this diatribe that this is why he is not talking to me and until my medication gets straight he will not talk to me about anything. This threw me over the edge so I got up and sobbed downstairs for 2 hours. It was the last straw.
I write all this because I need a better support group. I need help from people who will invest time and energy into me. I want someone to care enough to listen and be there when things aren't great or even descent. I don't know that probably doesn't even exist. Maybe if I was to do something horrible maybe somebody would hear me.
Replies
GIRL I CARE!!!!!!!!! I DO,I DO,I DO!!!!!!!!! And I can relate. I\'m going from Lamitcal to Tri. We never know how we are going to react to a new med. I wish our spouses could spend one day inside our crazy little world. Feel for a entire day how our emotions change so quickly so drasticly. That\'s the only way they could truly see how we feel. They can be very understanding at times. But there are times they have no clue! I\'m sorry you had such a bad night:{ Wish I could make all this all go away for you.{and me}.Life is very hard for us anyway. Put med changes on top of that and oh boy. HERE FOR YOU! We need to chat sometime. I\'m usually on in the ams or I try to be. It\'s the only time I have to give myself to vent,to chat to listen. Hang in there! Your are a STRONG WOMAN! Don\'t ever forget that. Becca