30th April - In which I am upset and try to vent my feelings through Drama

My dearest darling,                   So, this is the first time that I've used an 'unhappy face' since we went on holiday. I know I shouldn't be upset - I'm trying to stay happy for Freya and Tom at the moment - but I really am 'down'. Ok, more than down. More 'I'm so upset that I really want to do 'it' but I won't'. This entry probably won't make any sense because I need to go to sleep. So if I can't make head or tail of it, then it'll probably make about as much sense as putting nutrition information on a kettle to you.                   Either way, this Hector thing is really getting to me. It shouldn't be, I know; everyone's telling me that he's just been using me and that I should be glad that we're not friends any more...but it isn't that simple. He's right - I don't believe that he 'engineered for this to happen'; I think that that's just a cover up for it. He feels that he needs to 'test' his friends, and I've failed this test, I know. I don't know what to do about it because he's Hector; he was my best friend at the beginning of the year. He meant so much to me and I can't let that go so easily. It's not what he's said to me - I couldn't care less if he thinks I'm a slut (ok, that was a lie...) - it's about what he's said about Fraser and how he's tried to drag Freya into this so she's on 'his' side. And yet, for some inexplicable reason...I wish that we could all forget it and still be friends. But I know we can't; there's that tiny voice of reason in the back of my head saying 'listen to everyone else; they were right! You ought to have listened to them from the start, and it's all YOUR fault that this has happened...' And I know that we can't because I'm too much of a stuck up bitch who depends on other people to sort her problems out for her because I haven't got enough courage or emotional strength. But then I think 'can't he at least tell me why this has happened?' And I know that he won't.                    And that brings me on to my second point. I'm fed up. I saw LJ and TJ's Drama Scripted today and it brought back so many memories...theirs is about a mental patient and a doctor, and the patient is a bit weird but also complex...and it immediately reminded me of my various visits to Amanda. I never shouted at her; I was just quiet and didn't say anything if I got angry. And she always seemed to think she understood what I though and why I SHed...but she didn't. She didn't have a clue...I wanted to shout at her and leave sometimes! Nobody ever seems to actually understand, even if I explain why...and sometimes it gets too much that I can't just talk to people...and that's why they don't understand. It's my fault that they don't understand and it's my fault that I get cross because of it. And then because I get cross I want to do it more for getting angry over something I have absolutely no right to be angry about because it's my fault! So I close up even more and then, because I can't express my feelings any other way, I do it...I do it for other reasons too, though. It's never just that. I do it to feel 'real' again. I do it to take the emotional pain away and make it physical because it's easier to deal with (which never actually works because I feel worse afterwards...) But, most of all, I do it because I feel...no, I KNOW that I deserve it. It's always my fault that things go wrong to make me do it. It's my fault that I'm angry with people sometimes. And it's my fault that I do or say something that I regret immediately afterwards...so I do it. And then I regret that and feel worse, so I do it again. And again. And again. And it goes around like that. And I hate it, but I can't stop it...and now, I'm trying so hard to hold off it, but it won't work...the most I can do is hold off until Saturday, because I really want to wear my new dress for 'Swing's The Thing'. And then on Sunday, I need to be cheerful for Tom...so I'm just going to try to hold off for as long as possible and hope that it works.             Sorry, Kitty. I've really got to stop doing this to you. It's always the same old thing, and you must feel so pressured having to keep all this on you...don't worry, I'll try not to do it so much.I'll write more soon; I'm really tired and I'm just going to confuse you even more if I keep talking...Ever yours,          Francesca