Confused
I'm sick of masking my emotions and changing myself so that others can feel more comfortable around me. No one really knows what I am thinking, what I am going through. I can't really work through these thing if I can't express how I actually feel on the inside.
I finally made an appointment with Whitney Lockhart for concealing at the school. We have been trying to meet forever now. I am glad that I will be able to talk with her. Maybe she will have some new insight or some suggestions about what I should do about work.
So finals are coming up and i know that work told us that we cannot block some of the days just before finals and a few of the first days of finals, but I wrote an email that I need over a week off to prepare and execute my finals. There are plenty members on staff that can work in place of those who have finals. Most of their staff are college students and that is how they can pay their employees just above minimum wage. if the give me any shit about this I will tell them the truth about how I feel. Actually part of me wants them to put up a fight just so that I can become upset about something. Feel something. I can't cut myself anymore, we know the product of that, although it feels god and gives me a sort of release, I cannot do it anymore. It's too difficult to hide and becomes painful over time. I want to feel it and i want to experience the euphoric feeling it produces.
I think that my pdoc is going to take me off of the Ritalin and put me on vyvanse on Friday when I see her. I would like to try a new ADHD medication, but I need to know that it is going to be at a therapeutic dosage because I take higher dosages than most people. I really could use something to help me study for these upcoming finals.
This summer I have turned all of my classes from on campus to online. This is nice because I have more flexibility to work outside of school.
I dont think that I am afraid to die at this moment. I feel that I am ready. I am willing. I am so unsure about my future, what I am doing, what I need to do and the people around me that it makes me scared to go one living. Why live a life where everything is the same? I live at home, go to schoolwork at a shitty job and then that's pretty much it. I worry about money and debt, the condition of my car and the status of my friendships.
I am so tired but i can never seem to sleep a whole night. And during the day I am having outrageous panic attacks that I get now waring from and they always seem to come on at the worse times and present themselves full force, leaving me to have to miss or leave class. I need to graduate, but I suppose that something is wrong. I dont know. I dont want to be ere anymore. I just dont think that i can leave my family. However, every time my dad calls and asks how I am am mentally I always make it sound like nothing is wrong I dont know why I do that and why I don't just tell him the truth. Maybe it's because I just dont want him to give me the same self help lecture over and over again.
I have to email a teacher and get to be. I know that it is important that I write as frequently as possible.
Goodnight moon.
I finally made an appointment with Whitney Lockhart for concealing at the school. We have been trying to meet forever now. I am glad that I will be able to talk with her. Maybe she will have some new insight or some suggestions about what I should do about work.
So finals are coming up and i know that work told us that we cannot block some of the days just before finals and a few of the first days of finals, but I wrote an email that I need over a week off to prepare and execute my finals. There are plenty members on staff that can work in place of those who have finals. Most of their staff are college students and that is how they can pay their employees just above minimum wage. if the give me any shit about this I will tell them the truth about how I feel. Actually part of me wants them to put up a fight just so that I can become upset about something. Feel something. I can't cut myself anymore, we know the product of that, although it feels god and gives me a sort of release, I cannot do it anymore. It's too difficult to hide and becomes painful over time. I want to feel it and i want to experience the euphoric feeling it produces.
I think that my pdoc is going to take me off of the Ritalin and put me on vyvanse on Friday when I see her. I would like to try a new ADHD medication, but I need to know that it is going to be at a therapeutic dosage because I take higher dosages than most people. I really could use something to help me study for these upcoming finals.
This summer I have turned all of my classes from on campus to online. This is nice because I have more flexibility to work outside of school.
I dont think that I am afraid to die at this moment. I feel that I am ready. I am willing. I am so unsure about my future, what I am doing, what I need to do and the people around me that it makes me scared to go one living. Why live a life where everything is the same? I live at home, go to schoolwork at a shitty job and then that's pretty much it. I worry about money and debt, the condition of my car and the status of my friendships.
I am so tired but i can never seem to sleep a whole night. And during the day I am having outrageous panic attacks that I get now waring from and they always seem to come on at the worse times and present themselves full force, leaving me to have to miss or leave class. I need to graduate, but I suppose that something is wrong. I dont know. I dont want to be ere anymore. I just dont think that i can leave my family. However, every time my dad calls and asks how I am am mentally I always make it sound like nothing is wrong I dont know why I do that and why I don't just tell him the truth. Maybe it's because I just dont want him to give me the same self help lecture over and over again.
I have to email a teacher and get to be. I know that it is important that I write as frequently as possible.
Goodnight moon.
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