My mind and body both feel so tired. I have been thinking  a lot more about killing myself. Is it a good idea? Sacrafice the psyche of my family so I can then let go and maybe feel relief. I feel numb and useless. I don't want to be stuck here like this. I don't want to be living with my mom and still in school with no sure date of graduation. I can't even begin to think about graduate school and paying for it. My credit is shot so loans are probably out of the question. I want to cut myself, however I would need to find a different place on  my body to do it. Somewhere that no one will see or suspect. 
 
I am drinking coffee, which is not a good idea for my moods. I tend to try to make myself sick. I would like to go into a coma for a while. For some reason this seems appealing to me. I don't know why. I think it may be because I want to prove to my friends and family that I am really ill and I need help badly. I am tired of trying to analyze my thoughts and feelings. Why do I constantly think of killing myself? Would I be a significant loss? I have seen some reactions my friends have to the accidental deaths of others, and it seems as though they tend to forget or let go after a while. 
 
But how would I kill myself? Pills may work but if they don't there are so many things that could go wrong. I could use the car and run into a brick wall, but I could end up paralyzed, which would pub me in a worse position than I am already in. Car exhaust in the garage, but that didn't work the first time I tried it. I don't know what method to use or what may work. I feel like I am in a dark place somewhere I can't escape, I can't remove myself. I wish people could  really understand what I am going through, what I have gone through and what I continue to battle. I don't see my friends as friends anymore. I see them as people that I dimly have something in common with. There is no emotion there. I don't know if they would help me if I really needed them. I don't ask for help because I don't want to impact their life like that. I think that I may need to go to the hospital again.i don't want to but I think that it might be that safest route right now. I honestly don't know what I am capable of each moment. What if I do something bad?
 
Goodnight moon.