I am lost and losing hope. I need to tell my mom to watch me because I might harm myself. I think that I may cut myself again. I have wanted to for a long time and now just seems like a time that I need it, I need the feeling and the release. I need more control over me, my body, my world, I don't know where I am right now. I am in the school computer lab and although I hate journaling here I feel like I just have to get some things out.
 
Yesterday I called my psychiatrist because I feel that I am going into a crisis situation. I think that she is border lining sending me to the hospital. I would rather go to a long term institution like Emily, but I don't think that my parents would go for that. I also don't want to lose the momentum that I have built up since the last time I was placed in the hospital. I would have to drop courses or withdraw from school altogether. I don't wan to do that. I was getting chocked up talking to her over the phone last night. I don't know what to do anymore.
 
Yesterday afternoon I had a job interview at Landmark Theaters, I really like it there and I think that I would make a good fit it I was offered a position. Mark, the manager told me at the latest he would give me a call on Monday to tell me where they were at in the process of hiring. I need and want this job. Money in going very fast and I do not want to continue with CUTCO. I don't like the way that the company works and I don't like pressuring people to buy things they may not need. This is one of those things. But now I have a business card at least. I am going to check in my knives and when I am ready to go back I will just check them back out. But, I do need a source of income... So I am praying that the job at the theater comes through. The manager must have liked me to some extent, because I went through the interview process for about an hour and twenty minuets.
 
Gotta go