I'd like to say that I don't know how I am feeling today. There have not been many hits to me today, I went to lunch with Luke, mom and the neighbors. I continuously think why did I blow that money. All of that money that could be saving me right now. I can't find a job for the life of me. I finally got a lead to working with a medicinal marijuana dispensary, working in one of their positions. I really hope they can be accommodating with my schedule and hire me to do something fun and something that will make money. I am motivated by money but I also want to work with a team that I enjoy and can work well with.
Tomorrow morning I meet with Dr. MacColl and I am going to ask for an increase in medication or at least the addition of one or many. I want to try lamictal again and maybe something else that works well. I am scared and depressed. I am scared that I am going to get a job and then I am going to crash as I did during last semester, although I know that work is different than school. There are so many other problems in the world and what I worry about is a job and school. I am so agitated, frustrated and tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I am living simply so my family will not have to go through any pain that I feel now. No one should have to experience the pain that I am going through. I want to cut myself so badly, but I can't because I am afraid that someone will notice and approach me about it. My younger step brother once saw the old cut marks in the car and asked me what they were and I lies and told me that they were scratches. 
How do I live through this. People have so what is their secret, what can I do to turn myself around. No one can will ever know how I really feel and what I truly think about. My mom thinks that she knows but she does not and I don't know if she ever will. 
This new job selling CUTCO knifes is making me crazy. I have only shown them to about one or two people and only have one sale and the bummer is that they have all these meetings where they praise people and try to motivate others, but they don't motivate me. It just makes me nervous and makes me more motivated to find another, better job. 
I have to go, the neighbor is coming over to watch a movie. I'll speak with you soon.
Goodnight moon.