I am getting depressed and frustrated. I am working for this company called CUTCO and VECTOR marketing where I sell knives. I have to do it through referral basis and that means starting with friends and family and I am getting some negative reactions from them. And in the office it is very pressured are they try to motivate you while you're there and give incentives, but that job just is not for me. I don't want to harass my friends or my family and I am not excited by knives. So the job hunt continues. I just don't want to be there. 
 
Rachael has tried to hook me up with this guy that I don't really like, but she is kinda weird about me now wanting to be around this guy. I don't know it might just be the fact that I don't want to date anyone right now. I just need to tell her that I don't want to date anyone right now. Or at least I don't want to date David right now. When I went to Rachael's dinner party he was there and after Rachael was like, you didn't communicate with David at all. Well, I don't want to communicate, i don't want to date, I don't want to be apart of this. 
 
Luke is here and he is not really hanging out. He is with one of his old friends right now and I don't really get to spend one-on-one time with him until late at night when we smoke pot together. He is here for another nine days I think that he may stay at my dad's for a couple of days and then he may go to Durango for a couple of nights. He said at Christmas that he was going to bring Mom and I's Christmas gifts back to Denver when he came back down. He didn't bring anything so I suppose that I really never had to give Luke a Christmas gift, especially with no money. 
 
I keep thinking about killing myself. I think about what techniques I would use or if I simply wanted to try to pub myself in a coma for a while. I don't want to be here and I want to let people know that I am really depressed and confused and I am so tired of life and mundane nothingness. I smoke pot and drink to try to get my mind out real life and I can just be still. No thoughts or pain, depression or suicidal thoughts. I cut my finger with my cutco knife and for a moment I felt like just pushing it into my heart and seeing what was going to happen. I also think about crashing my car and putting it into the garage when one of my parents are gone and just letting it run I feel so bad but I keep it in and I feel as though I am going to just explode one day. I m going to explode and when I do I don't know what will happen. I am at the hot shower period and this cut on my finger reminds me of cutting and how that pain focuses me away from the thoughts of depression, agitation and major anxiety. 
 
I better go. I will try to log on later this evening to vent some more.
 
goodnight moon.