I dont know if I actually have a friend that I can ALWAYS depend on. There are many friends that I can goto at different times I suppose, but no one all the time. I thought that Katie might fulfill that position in my life but she is not as dependable as I thought. I think that I am there for her when she needs me and I even cover things like drinks when she is in need. But, when I need a friend... when I really need a friend she always seems to be somewhere else or doing something restrictive. I wish I had more or at least one real friend. I need some more support from friends, all of my support comes from my family and I cant keep burdening them with the same bipolar shit all the time. I suppose that my family are the only people who really understand what I have been through and what the day to day hell looked like. 
 
I am coming off my medication, all but the lithium, and I can feel the anxiety, stress and most of all the depression. I don't want to be depressed. Depression seems like hell and I don't want to go there again. I need to stay mindful and practice my DBT and CBT skills. I got some books today one is called Manic and is another book like An Unquiet Mind so I hope it helps. I also got a planner that starts in August and a book about political science. Sometimes I wish that I could study psychology, but there is so much work and so much science. However, I have gotten so lazy that I don't do my work for political science and I love that subject. Maybe someday I'll have the courage to go back and study that subject so I can try to help those that are in the same boat and I was and still am. I think I said it before, but I wish that I could write a book about my experiences... there's a lot to say.
 
I wish I could say everything that has gone on. What if I could publish my journals? There are so many of them. They are so revealing and I wouldn't know who would stand by me after they are all read. And there is still so much that needs to be said, things that I have held back simply incase these journals got out. But, in the last five years there has never been a leak of my journals. Maybe I should be more honest from now on, maybe I'll feel even better then the usual journal. I've gotta grab lunch.
 
Goodnight moon.