Tonight I read a story from a woman who lost her daughter to suicide and found her dead in her bed with a gun shot. The mother immediately wanted to kill herself and she went on to say there was no other thing to do but to die. She eventually attempted suicide and after it fell through she became thankful for her life. She began to live again. She tired to commit suicide by taking pills. I have tried twice to overdose and they have been failed attempts. I have also tried to drown myself as well as afixiate on fumes from a car in the garage. For some reason all of these attempts have failed. Some might tell me that this is god giving me some more chances at life or in some way trying to open my eyes to the joy of life, but there are no more joys, and there is no more happiness. For the first time in 24 years my botchie (grandma) has not called or written for my 24th birthday and I am just sad. My birthdays are so lame now. I have no friends and my family is falling apart too. My dad didn't even have the balls to come out with me and my mom for my birthday. I had to do it twice at two different times with each one. There was no collaborative celebration. I still do want to kill myself. I think that it would bring me great relief. I can't stand the thought of my mother or father having to make my last arrangements. But, I have always wanted them to burry me before I have to burry them. I believe that I will kill me soon because of my debt and other life choices that have made everything go in a downward spiral. this is not the way to live, this is not the way I wanted to live my life. 
 
I don't know what to do anymore. I am so confused and disturbed. I am glad that this is a confidential site because if it was not I think that I would not be able to progress in life. Again my p doc does not trust me and wont switch the meds until I see her at the end of the month. Whatever. Luke come into town soon and I am looking forward to it. Maybe that will lighten me up somewhat. I am so gone right now, I took my medication a while ago and I think that I am dosing away. I look forward to writing tomorrow. MAybe it will be during the day this time. 
 
Goodnight moon.