Tonight dad and I went to this new restaurant called Euclid Hall, it as great! Wonderful food and great atmosphere. it was located in the old Martini Ranch building. They really did a good job. For the last couple of days I have been calling the suicide hot-line. Sometime they pick up and sometimes they don't. It is discouraging to call a help line and have no one answer. I just want to talk to someone who may be ale to hep me. School has gotten a bit better, but i have a lot of work to do to catch up. However, I dropped my Research Methods class and now I am down to only two classes and the work load is substantially lighter now that, that class is out of the way. When I call the help line they answer with "How can I help you?" and I just find it odd. All of us who call obviously need help and that opening line isn't very comforting. I talked to some of the people and the gave me numbers to my local hospitals. But, I have been to the hospital three or four times before already. I don't want to go back I simply want to talk to someone. I think all of the time about the fights that Chi, my step mom, and I have. With the last two happenings dad has chosen to protect me, I am family and I know that means a lot to him. I have gone through a lot and my dad... and my mom have been through it with me. Plus I think that botchie and the rest of the family would have through very poorly towards him to have married someone who knows nothing of American family values.
 
I have been reading a lot of books from the school library about bipolar and psychopharmacology. I am learning a great deal about my illness and the medications that I am using to sustain an equal and balances life. The books are actually very interesting and I find psychology extremely appealing. For a moment today I thought of going back to school... after finishing my current degree. I think that it might be a good profession for me, psychiatry. Although it will be long and expensive. I need to journal more. Even if it is just for therapy but it can also be used as a way for my family to track my life from day to day or so forth. I want them t know how I am feeling and what my mind is going through.
 
I am tried all of the time. i am agitated and irritated and I don't know why. i am concerned that some of my drugs are not working and that I  am going to need to begin to switch. My new pdoc whats to switch me to Valium instead of my current xanax regimen. She thinks that I am becoming too dependent on the xanax (which I am) but I don't see the point in switching to a different benzo right now.She is giving me some options. She wants to switch medications and do therapy, but she is also open to simply doing medication management and keeping the medications the same.
 
Monday morning I will see her and we can talk about this together. i just need to figure out what i am going to tell her.
 
Goodnight moon.