I'm sorry for not writing in quite some time. I have been transitioning into school and other life changes. Chi is gone for three months now. It will be a nice break. Just me and my dad. We went to see my brother in Durango this last weekend... that was a rewarding time. I missed class this morning becasue I was too depressed to get myself out of bed. I have Luke's old car which is now actually newer than his current car. He wanted to downgrade. But that's nice for me. The breaks need to be replaced both in the front and the back and I now need to find over $400 to split it with mom and get those fixed as well as the belts that are loose and skweeking.
On Wednesday I am having lunch with some old high school friends. I hate it becasue I see them once in a while and then I don't see them for a long time.
I am not happy. I want to overdose on my medication. I have tried three times but I com out with the wrong result. Either I throw them up or I fall asleep thinking I wont wake up and instead I wake up feeling somewhat refreshed.
The last time I attempted I took:
6mg Xanax
1200mg Seroquel
300mg lithium
200mg lamictal
and a good amount of advil pm.
I can't keep doing this. I feel like I am running my life as well as the lives around me, especially my family, into the ground. I am sad. No one recognizes it because I have found an art of hiding it from all the people around me. I want to cut, but i don't want my brother to worry and I don't like people knowing that I cut myself. They don't understand that its about the pain that we hold in, not about self mutilation. OK I have to go to bed and get ready for tomorrow.
Goodnight moon.