I did absolutely nothing today. I got up and showered and went out for about to hours and then I came home and put on the PJs and fell asleep in front of the TV. I feel like a bum and now still lazy! I wasted a great Saturday afternoon and Sarah invited me to her doing away party downtown tonight, but I don't want to go to a party tonight. I'd rather just sit and watch TV at home. I am bored and simply unhappy. How do we fix the fact that I am not here. I have so many medications and issues pending and raised above my head.
People don't really understand the magnitude of pain and confusion that we go through with metal illnesses. Suicide is always a thought in my head. Should I so it? Will it relieve me as well as my parents sanity and bank accounts? I'll be 25 in a couple of years and then dropped from my father's health insurance. Hopefully by then I will be done with school and holding a good job. The nights, especially lonely ones, are the times that I have a major desire and sometimes even a plan to commit suicide. I watch from the sidelines my friends lives lived. I don't travel much and I can't hold many friends for a long time any more. I have this new person Ryan that pushes me to go out with him and his friends. But, still it is not the easiest thing to make or keep friends while bipolar. I want to travel, I think that getting away or studying somewhere else may be good for me. I would like that. That's why I should go to the party for Sarah tonight, because she travels everywhere and she does it with a very low budget.
I am scared every day because I don't have a job and can find one. I am in so much debt and I need to clear it before they start coming for me. Tomorrow I should be getting money from my mom for house sitting. I hope that it is a large amount. I applied at Starbucks and I think that I need to give the manager a call and make sure that he received my application. And then hopefully an interview will stem from that. I am going to get comfortable and watch television and fall asleep. Last night I smoked some pot and got high, which is something that I haven't done in a long time so it put me right to sleep, that was nice.Tomorrow I have to run some errands before I pick my mom up at the airport at 2.
Goodnight moon.
People don't really understand the magnitude of pain and confusion that we go through with metal illnesses. Suicide is always a thought in my head. Should I so it? Will it relieve me as well as my parents sanity and bank accounts? I'll be 25 in a couple of years and then dropped from my father's health insurance. Hopefully by then I will be done with school and holding a good job. The nights, especially lonely ones, are the times that I have a major desire and sometimes even a plan to commit suicide. I watch from the sidelines my friends lives lived. I don't travel much and I can't hold many friends for a long time any more. I have this new person Ryan that pushes me to go out with him and his friends. But, still it is not the easiest thing to make or keep friends while bipolar. I want to travel, I think that getting away or studying somewhere else may be good for me. I would like that. That's why I should go to the party for Sarah tonight, because she travels everywhere and she does it with a very low budget.
I am scared every day because I don't have a job and can find one. I am in so much debt and I need to clear it before they start coming for me. Tomorrow I should be getting money from my mom for house sitting. I hope that it is a large amount. I applied at Starbucks and I think that I need to give the manager a call and make sure that he received my application. And then hopefully an interview will stem from that. I am going to get comfortable and watch television and fall asleep. Last night I smoked some pot and got high, which is something that I haven't done in a long time so it put me right to sleep, that was nice.Tomorrow I have to run some errands before I pick my mom up at the airport at 2.
Goodnight moon.
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