I don't know what's happening anymore. I am looking for some answers. If I don't want to kill myself I want to run away. But I still want to kill myself. I am still feel so depressed. On the train home I just rode and looked out the window. I am so lost and there is no one to talk to. I can't talk to doctors or therapists because I am still afraid that I am going to get put on a 72 hour hold. I can't go back to the hospital. I am tired of have to deal with this. I am waiting for my dad to get home so I can go to the gym, maybe some exercise will help, bu I doubt it. I just want to go work out so I can sit in the spa, or hot tub. I still don't know what to do.
Should I write a note just in case? What if I take measures too far too close and I am unable to say what I need to tell my family. At this point the only people I want to talk to is my parents and my brother.
I had just a great childhood, I had everything that I wanted and more. I had a great run in life and owe it all to my parents. My brother has always been a partner in life. He is the other half of me and will continue to represent my life if I am gone. I remember so many things about my childhood and I am clenching on to these memories. I remember time with my parents, I remember them telling my brother and I that they were getting divorce. I remember time healing along side with my father and my mother. I too more time with my father because my mom had so much strength and support in the community. During the first stages of the divorce Luke, my dad and I slept in the same bed in a one bedroom apartment. I remember this as a sad time and there was no happiness, the only thing that we all had together was our love for skiing. Holidays were the most awkward time, we would do a couple hours at my dad's and then go to moms for the rest of the holiday. I remember being so sad for dad.
Soon after he finally moved into town into Crested Butte where it was more comfortable for all of us. There we were unhappy too. While we were there dad was accused of child abuse against Lucas and we had to have a restraining order put against him and everything. The school councilor took this way too far. Everything was a mess.
When I went to college everything came together. I loved it there and had so many friends, now I am in Denver living with my dad and step mom and step brother and I hate it. I cant find a job and I have absolutely no friends to bounce thinks off of, or to get help from. I don't want to tell my parents because I don't want them to worry and I don't want them to watch me at every minute.
So I suppose that this may be part of my letter, along with the other journal entries for the past three years.
Should I write a note just in case? What if I take measures too far too close and I am unable to say what I need to tell my family. At this point the only people I want to talk to is my parents and my brother.
I had just a great childhood, I had everything that I wanted and more. I had a great run in life and owe it all to my parents. My brother has always been a partner in life. He is the other half of me and will continue to represent my life if I am gone. I remember so many things about my childhood and I am clenching on to these memories. I remember time with my parents, I remember them telling my brother and I that they were getting divorce. I remember time healing along side with my father and my mother. I too more time with my father because my mom had so much strength and support in the community. During the first stages of the divorce Luke, my dad and I slept in the same bed in a one bedroom apartment. I remember this as a sad time and there was no happiness, the only thing that we all had together was our love for skiing. Holidays were the most awkward time, we would do a couple hours at my dad's and then go to moms for the rest of the holiday. I remember being so sad for dad.
Soon after he finally moved into town into Crested Butte where it was more comfortable for all of us. There we were unhappy too. While we were there dad was accused of child abuse against Lucas and we had to have a restraining order put against him and everything. The school councilor took this way too far. Everything was a mess.
When I went to college everything came together. I loved it there and had so many friends, now I am in Denver living with my dad and step mom and step brother and I hate it. I cant find a job and I have absolutely no friends to bounce thinks off of, or to get help from. I don't want to tell my parents because I don't want them to worry and I don't want them to watch me at every minute.
So I suppose that this may be part of my letter, along with the other journal entries for the past three years.
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