I feel so heavy. Not fat or bloated, but just so depressed, so my that it hurts to get out of bed or to walk to the train or on campus. I am losing my interest in school and and I am apathetic towards everything else. My suicidal thoughts are great and I think of them often. Sometimes I eat my feelings and other times I have no apatite at all. I am so confused. I don't like my family situation and the fact that I don't have a job or disability insurance. It's almost noon and my doctor has not called me back yet and I have been looking forward to her call. I don't know what to do and she may have some answers and some medication changes. Some people think that I should go to the hospital and become stable, but I have been to the hospital four times before. 
 
It is easy to think about suicide now. I am relaxed by it. I feel as though death, especially by my own hand, doesn't scare me. Everything will be fixed, I would be cleaned and cleared of everything. But, what could I be missing in life and how would the memories of me be skewed as sad and depressing. I am so sad and I don't want anyone to see me in that way. I think people see me as happy and I don't really feel like lying to myself. 
 
When is this going to end? When is my doctor going to call me back? I really hope its soon.