I am not really deep in depression, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I think of it as a way out, something comforting for some reason. I know you can identify with this because it is just such a common feeling for us. IT's sad that I am thinking of such things. I don't want to go see a psychologist and I see my psychiatrist every four to five weeks and we usually only talk about medications and not what is really going on. I know that she wants to know because it could have a lot to do with medications, but I don't want to admit to both her and myself that something is off, something is wrong. But, there isn't a lot that is wrong just that I keep slipping deeper into debt. I don't have a job and I am still waiting on a decision from disability regarding SSI. Recently I have been extremely frustrated. Every phone call on my cell is a creditor and I don't want to answer it so I simply don't. I am playing phone tag with a credit consolidator and I hope that will help with this mess I am in. How did this happen? My psychiatrist tells me that Bipolar individuals are tuned to go on spending sprees. Well I suppose that I can blame it on something. 
I am applying to get this internship with this non-profit organization called Prax(us). It is an antihuman trafficking organization that is affiliated with a great deal of non-profit organizations here in Denver. I hope I get it. It would be great for me I think that it would raise my spirit. 
I am still having trouble accepting the fact that I have a step mother. She doesn't know America, she does not understand what a true family really is and its truly getting to me. She thinks that we should all be separated, we all have meals apart and do things apart it's really unfortunate. And it's really depressing. I want to move back in with my mom but I don't know how to go about the situation. How am I supposed to go back to that lifestyle and especially with no car. Because she lives in the highlands of the Denver area. I just miss having a family, being a part of a family. We used to be so close when there was no Chi or Ti. It's not that I wish they were gone, but I wish that they would assimilate. What if they were deported. I am so tired of this. I don't want to be broke and I don't want to be apart of a crazy "family"



I\'m sorry dear. I know what it\'s like to not feel like you are a part of a family. It hurts a lot. No human being should have so suffer that personal pain. Like I said in my hug, keep your head high and focus on the light!