Something hit me this morning. What if it is not the urge to die that is bothering my, but maybe it is time for me to disappear. I wish that I could have the strength and guts to leave and not look back. I want to experience life I cant stay where I am it is pulling me down so much! My best friend leaves for LA on Monday with another best friend. THey are leaving to look at wedding arrangements. My mother is appalled at Rachael for what she has done and continues todo. I cant do much writing now, I am just not feeling up to it. I am afraid of change and I am afraid to lose thing that I have. I wish I could simplify my life, however, some of the simple things in life are what I survive on.  Chi has been warming up. Last night she took me to two mechanics to look at the car both to fix and to buy! goodnight moon