I have finally completed the paperwork for the Social Security department. I'll be sending it our VIA mail tomorrow. I am feeling alright this evening. Alright enough to write. I am watching the sixth sense and drinking some Rose. I am tired but I want to stay up in order to get to sleep as I hit the pillow. I feel more nervous about money than usual and the fact that school is rolling around the corner is not helping either. I am so lonely. I don't know how to fix it. My doctors ask me how I can solve this and where can I meet friends? I simply tell them that it will be eaiser once I get into school again. The truth is that I never go for friends in school, in fact I try to stay aay from people in class in order to concentrate on what is happening rather than who is sitting next to me. Of course when we are to do group projects I am left knowing nothing. Two days ago my only friend here moved to China, leaving me here all alone. I want to visit her there as I love her and I have a passion to travel to the western countries.  I have this dream that I max out all of my credit cards and purchase a first class ticket to some distant country and never look back. My concern is that for most countries I would need a visa or some kinds of permit to enter and stay in their country.  I feel like I am getting my self stuck. I want to tell my doctors everything but I am so scared to be judged by everyone. This is why I am hoping to gain this disability insurance. I can't stay so stuck to that forever, it's wrong. I think about killing myself often still. I am just not happy. What if I were to take a handful of my medication without the smallest regard for what they may do to me. If I take enough seroquel on top of what could hurt me, I could simply doze off and not wake up. It would be an easy way to go. I would want to leave a note. Fuck the insurance company, I want to leave my family a note. I don't have friends only family. I want to go back to Chicago... well anywhere. I want to try to start new, try something different from what I have been experiencing. Because what is here is toxic something that make pain for me, no pleasure.  My back hurts. I am going to go watch a movie. Goodnight moon.