It's been so long since I have written. Tomorrow is my last day of school for the semester. I take the final in the Disability Resource Center. As of yesterday I am back at my dad's house, it's nice to be here... to have the freedom again. I am thinking of going through a drug trial through the University Hospital for depression associated with Bipolar Disorder. I am so tired and my body aches. I want something to do, somewhere to go, someone to be with. I know it is not a boy friend, but I attempted to contact Rachael again Saturday, telling here that this fight is ridiculous. I honestly don't know what she is upset about. I can't wait for her anymore. I need to shake her off and forget about the past and begin to make a new future. I am tired and depressed. Last night my father told me that he thought I was doing so much better now, unknowing that I act as though my depression has withered away. My depression is here and it's extreme. It's building up inside of me, and I don't know what the end result is going to be. Am I going to commit suicide? Am I just going to explode, screaming in a crowded room. Damn it, I have the entire day free for me and I am sitting at home watching a movie instead of going out into the world and doing something new, something good, something worth while. I went to the museum this morning and looked around... I got the feeling back. I talked to the volunteer coordinator and she is putting me back on the books to volunteer. I missed the expedition health volunteer recognition dinner, but that's OK, I hate to go to those things alone. I last week I wen to a play alone at one of the theaters and, although the play was wonderful, I had to be there one hour early for the discounted student tickets, then there were two intermissions. I hated that because I was alone. When everyone had someone with them... they were smiling and talking, and  I was alone drinking overpriced vodka presses. I don't know where to go next. What am I supposed to do? When does something come next?