I want to have a wedding. I want to get married to someone who loves me. The only back lash is that we live in a country that denies homosexuals the right to get married. In some sates we get the ability to gain the legal rights and tax deductions. I want to know the the person that I am marring, I want to share secrets with them. Unfortunately, night after night I sit and watch movies on the couch drinking crazy expensive champaign, which right now I am out of and I don't feel like popping a new bottle, at least not until mimosas in the morning. I am sad that I am lonely right now. There was a guy from freshman year in college that had a crush on me and he lives here in Denver and we were communicating and we were going to meet up and then life happened for a couple of weeks and we didn't talk and now he has been seeing someone. And it is because of this stupid website connexion and i hate meeting people to date on the internet. URG. I am lonely and confused and I am tired, I want to go to bed but I cant for some reason, but I am going to go try. Oh and I keep cutting myself. I don't know how to stop there is something that simply draws me to cut myself again and again. Someone tell me what to do.
Replies
wow...your mood indicator shows a very long period of depression for you...last green face in june? that\'s waaay too long and maybe you should have a talk with your psychiatrist about tweaking your meds and ways to help you deal with things more effectively since you\'ve been stuck in a depressive state. maybe working with a counsellor trained in CBT or DBT may be an option for you.
as to the other, you\'re young and beautiful and live in a city i would give my eye-teeth to inhabit. i really miss colorado. meeting people online when you live in a place that has so many opportunities to engage funny, caring committed people is a waste of your time and energies. why put your hopes on someone you don\'t really know, who\'s only connection to you is through a detached medium like the internet? if you\'re not agoraphobic then get out there and meet people through things you like to do or are interested in. that way when you do meet someone you can love you\'ll have a partner you know you can share secrets and good times with.
try the activities supported by the Unitarian Universalists or Habitat for Humanity, or the HRC, or the Progressive Coalition or volunteer at the art museum or a community theatre...be active in a group activity that will help you regain your confidence and your ability to be social, but will also distract you from your lonliness and desire to cut. cutting is a obsessive compulsive behaviour, and i\'m learning from my own therapist that it\'s important to distract myself from my compulsions--so you feel like cutting, go watch a movie instead, or go for a run, or cook a fancy cake, something to break the cycle of thoughts and your habit of fixating on those thoughts because cutting is the outcome of that fixation.
and stop drinking so much. whether it\'s country bourbon or expensive champagne alcohol and psych meds DO NOT MIX. you\'re a smart kid you should realise this. if you\'re on medication you should not be self-medicating with alcohol or illegal drugs because the combination can really fuck you up (pardon my english).
you want a wedding? marriage to someone who is loving an supportive? then go out there and meet someone special, have a beautiful sunrise committment ceremony at the great sand dunes national park in sangre de christo, drag his ass to canada for your honeymoon to conincide with another quickie \"legal\" ceremony, and then come home and work/campaign for equal rights and recognition of your committment to each other and your relationship in the US.
no one can tell you what to do. it has to come from you: the plans, the goals, the drive and the motivation to make it all happen. make a list of big and little things. big goals-things you want to accomplish in the next year, the next 3 years, the next 5 years. then a list of things you want to accomplish each month or each day so you can build up your confidence and belief in your ability to achieve your goals.
hoping you will find your strength,
~b.