Still sitting here, it's my birthday and I wanted to have a fun file day out here in Denver. I took 4mg of xanax to cool me down but I know that it is going to affect me once I start to drink... if I stat to drink. Dad was just going to take the two of us out for dinner for my birthday celebration but I asked him to take Chi and Ti too. They are my family and I want to celebrate with them, nothing wrong in that. This is so depressing I don't know how to respond. My dad has not called, but that may be because I am seeing him later and Luke never called my, but he could be sleeping off a hangover from last nigh. Not one of my "friends" have called. Again, facebook allows then the privilege to simply write happy birthday on my wall instead of simply texting calling or emailing me. I feel so tired and heavy, I have been taking care of my mom and she has me running around up and down stairs and from store to store. The good part is that she can't drive for a couple weeks and I have been using her new audi. I am tired of everything I get that suicidal urge sometimes I just have this huge amount of passion to jump up take a handful of pills and go into a deep sleep of death or if i have to I would just simply go into a coma... I NEED TO CREATE A LIVING WILL IN THAT CASE. My mom keeps putting pot in my bedside table she says it is just incase I need it... which in somedays I do. I may use it this afternoon. I want to check Colorado laws about medical marijuana, I think that elements of it could be good for bipolar and anxiety disorders. I don't know I suppose we'll see. I have found from the news that this for of medication is largely used in Colorado and it's been easy to get. I think that they did an investigative look at it and now practitioners are very conservative when prescribing this inheritable medication. I am going to go do some research on this topic.