Today I volunteered for four hours at the museum. Tomorrow I go to school for an hour or so then to tutoring. I have an interview on Wednesday afternoon at Loveland ski area which is about an hour from Denver. I think that it will be good for me but my mom thinks different. Especially since I drive a lexus sedan and it does ok in the snow but it might not work well throughout the winter. I don't know anymore. I am going to go to the interview... I want to know what the position is about and what it can do for me. Also, mostly, I want to know if I can get the job, if I am good enough. I know that I don't need a reason to prove to myself that I am good enough well to be myself. I emailed a friend last night and tried to convey the message that I needed help and I gave her the link to my journal, but I never got a response from her today. I hope that it's because she has not checked her email and not because she simply didn't want to deal with it anymore. So I gave it another day, another 24 hours, and I'm still here and I am still feeling really in the depths of reality. I want to end the pain but I can't. I don't even want to look forward to tomorrow because I know it's just going to be another disappointing day. I want to get through it and move on. Maybe there is something better for me in the future, but why do I have to go through this now? I need to keep looking for a job so I can get my life on track. I want more purpose in life I want to have meaning in my own life and in the lives of others. I want to talk to my parents about all of this but I can't I cannot help but wonder what they'll think. Is this another attack? What do we do? This is over reacting? I want friends and I want to be a part of something bigger than me. Also, the woman from volunteers of america has not called me back about volunteering at Manuel High School in the Civics class. I hope she calls me tomorrow. Until then. Goodnight.