I am constantly switching between my main paper journal and this online journal. I feel that it is easier to write here and I have the support of people that are expierencing some of the things as I. Honestly, lately I have been falling apart. Maybe it is because I have no job, I am living at home going through college slowly. There are some self stressors that I need to learn to live with. In a book that I recently purchased I learned that this is not a phase, It's an illness. I don't think that most people understand this. They think that it is triggered by certain things or can be turned on and off at will. Well the book states vividly that the human mind cannot be controlled in many ways. One way is the mental cognitive behavior. We don't choose our depression or panic attacks and wedont choose to be unhappy ... why would we do this willingly?  My vacation to Chicago. It was different to compair myself to the rest of the children of the family. Who can speak the most languages or who has traveled abroad. All I have is great schooling and a nasty illness. I am still so tired I think that the depression is setting in because I am so tired to do simple things. I hope things will start to get better. I cant go into the fall semester a mess I have 4 classes to get through. Well there are three classes and one online course. It's about five here in Denver and I can't wait to start drinking. Not hard, but just a cocktail maybe a Manhattan. I keep getting distracted and I am going to go watch a movie. I hope you all have a good evening.