ITs morning again and I am as bored as ever. My ex-boyfriend called last night and wanted to do lunch today but there is no way of using my car and I certainly don't want to have my mom driving me around. Even though she's got a new jag. I don't know if I want to rekindle anything right now. It might hurt the both of us in the  end. But, on the other hand it might be nice to have a friend again. Someone to talk to about things. I don't know how understanding he will be of my situation though. Some people take it really well and others cant take it at all.  On another note I think that my mother is getting annoyed with me. Yesterday she spent the entire day in her room and I stayed downstairs and watched TV. I don't know what is happening with our relationship.  Ever since this last hospitalization I have spent a great deal of time with her and no time at all with my father. I bet he feels depressed. I hope he doesn't. I think that I want to g back to the hospital. I think that I need to be in a safer place. A more controlled place. It is too hectic here for me right now.  I feel so anxious and depressed. Sadness overflows me and then irritation streams out of me. How could someone not be upset with me? But what have I done wrong? I want to be happy, things are just not aligning. I am tried of this. It is exhausting trying to hold on. And it is really scary actually thinking about suicide and how to execute it. Then again I cant go back into the hospital. All they are going to do is provide me with a place to be. I would rather just be at home safe.  Why wont the racing thoughts go away? It is annoying to hear them al f the time and not be able to control them. I feel as though I am going crazy inside and I am about to implode. Im in the dark side. I don't know how to get back to the lighter side...