I am back form my "vacation" it didn't really help my depression or stress. I am going to see my psychiatrist and my therapist. I am having up to four panic attacks a day and they are getting really scary. I want to ask my psychiatrist from more xanax but I feel bad that I need to. I feel like she is no going to give them to me. I think that I need to move up to at least 3 per day. I am still feeling suicidal and depressed. I don't know what is wrong. I googled "suicidal methods" earlier and i don't know why, but I feel that I am getting closer and closer to ending my life. Last Monday I met with both my psychiatrist and therapist and they both suggested that I go back into the hospital. I don't know if I want to though, I don't know if it will help. Another scary thing is my homicidal dreams. I dream that I kill my family (in a non-violent way) and then I place them in a peaceful manner life in the family room or around the dinner table, and then I kill my self with them. Creepy huh? And I used to never dream at all and now I am having night mares. I don't know how a hospital can help all of this. I just know that I need to get some help from someone. I am so anxious to ask for more medication it is killing me, I think about it a lot. It is one of my racing thoughts.  I am so alone. I have been out of the picture for over two weeks and no one has called or emailed me to see where I am or what is going on. It is jut a hopeless feeling of anxiety, depression, and loneliness. I wish I had a good friend to talk to. I wish that I could just end this, the only way that I think that can happen is ending my life. But, what would happen if I ended my medication would that make me manic? Or would it make me more depressed? I think that it might be possible to reconnect with some friends but they simply don't understand what is going on with me and I don't think that they would be able to deal with it.  I am so disconnected from the world and from myself. I need to learn to sirpitually reconnect with myself.  But how I don't want to loose myself to this illness. I am so anxious I cant take it. I want to lay down and sleep from the depression but I can because I am so anxious. If only you knew.