I don't know why, but I keep thinking about ways to end my life. I can't explain it. I think it is because I feel that I am disposable and that I don't feel that am unimportant to the world. I get so frustrated some times that I don't know what to do. I don't think that my mom cares sometimes  and I think that she is too protective, she wants to have control over my life especially over my medical treatment. But I guess that this is irrelevant to what I am trying to say.  When given the right tools one can be very self destructive... even if it is not on the outside but we can also guess that people, including me, are self destructive on the inside. Mental well being is the key, but it is so hard to accomplish a kind mind. No one here understands me. I know there must be people out there that can understand me.  I go to the bipolar metup group twice a month in fact I am a leader in the group. But the people in it and the group itself is "old" there is no current bipolar issues and feelings, there is no area for someone who is going through this hell right now. These people are passed the bad and they cant really understand what is going on with me. this is just  jibberish. Unneeded..... Unwanted.... that is me lol.