So far today I have met my father for breakfast with his new family from Asia. We talked about everything that has been going on with my drugs. I don't think that he completely understands my body and the high tolerance I have to narcotics. He will be returning next week to leave with this new family to go to Chicago where our entire family is. Luke comes home next week which scares me the most. He has make more accomplishments in the past couple of weeks then ever.  I know that is great, but that used to be me flying high and now I am dead weight... worthless. This is going to be a very interesting and touchy Christmas. I already feel so depressed that I don't want to leave my room. Now there are issues with the money of the things. Who pays what when? And now I have gotten stuck in the middle of it, asking my mother for money is almost as bad as asking my dad for money. My mom always said in therapy that there is money and we have plenty of it... and now she lies and could care less about m medical healthcare, all she cares about is the money of the issue. I don't what to be in the middle of this but I always end up getting in there because one calls the other and then that one calls me.I don't want to get hurt anymore and right now I am getting destroyed by my parents and their financial feud. This is the live and die question. If I was to kill myself, how would they think of themselves arguing over money while I lie here in true and honest pain. On a lighter note... My mother will not be coming to the psychiatry appointment I have fore tomorrow. I am excited about this because she has gone before and has embarrassed me. This way it can just be the Doctor and myself. I am looking to replace my valium with something else. I am not sure whether I want a benzodiazepine or if I want something else that will not act like a benzo., I am not really sure what the difference is but I will find out tomorrow.