This week has been so up and down. I hate the facet that I don't know ow to cope with what is going on. My brother is here at my mom's house and it has become really awkward.I looked forward to lucas coming to the house over the weekend because he supports me, but I learned that he knows nothing o the life of a bipolar person.We were peeling potatoes for the Thanksgiving Dinner mashed potatoes.  That was the only duty that was delated to me. I felt worthless. M brother begins to make stupid comments towards me and I began to progressively feel rage run through my blood. New thoughts of suicide ran through my mind. I have never felt it before, but I wanted to slit my wrists.  This was so scary that I rushed into the shower and had my panic attack there in the shower, under the hot water. I was so mad at him... He was such an ass hole to make me have to go through that magnitude of a panic tack and even to the point of e wanting to hurt myself. I am still depressed and manic at times. I don't know if the medicine is really working well. Since the potato incident I have not stopped thinking about killing my self by slitting my wrists. Not only that but, simply cutting myself. Other than that my habits in spending are really odd lately. I have been buying lager things... and been smaller stuff, and I end up returning it.  Also, I have been spending money on my car a lot. I think that tomorrow I am going to go get soem new tires! Only $200 for all four. The family is gone and my brother is leaving tomorrow so I am hoping that the level of relaxation comes back, because right now there is no relaxation or calmness about this home.