Things were frustrating today. My mom took me to the mall...on a Sunday. Everyone was there shopping for needless things an bumping into each-other. I am always frustrated around masses of people. I am frustrated around all of my family. I am going to talk to my doctor about valium. I think that t might work better for those panic attacks that I know are coming. Do you know what I mean? I have Xanax but that is supposed to work fast and be very short lived when I need something more long lived. Even through I take klonopin I think that this would be a good change for me. I am scared to ask her for drugs though because she is going to again to think that I am so kind of addict. Last week I asked fora significantly higher dose of Xanax, just incase I needed it. But, she completely understood and gave me the prescription. She also gave me two refills. I love my family. They have saved me though this entire ordeal. Today I have felt so bad. My heart aches. I feel like I am on the ede of a major panic atack but I am trying not to fall. I get really tense, ever muscle in the body tightens up and I get this tremendous feeling of frustration, anger, confusion, and panic. I keep thinking back to my birthday. There was no one there. I did nothing. I lot out on one of the best days of life because of this illness. My life has truly changed because of it. I don't know were I would be if I never had asked for help.  Now, when I need help there are only few people to ask or to seek. I have lost all friends and I have lost my boyfriend as well.