My illusion of self-content is constantly blurred by the thoughts that run throughout m mind. There is nothing simplistic about the human being. Nothing. The inconsistencies that I go through on a daily basis are so fragile and misleading to those around me. I may be happy at times and I may by sad at times but i know that inside I am feeling truth. Whether that truth be the though of death or happiness, I know that I will always have my true secret feelings behind my contrasted outer shell.It was my birthday today and I am not sure what I want to do about my situation anymore.  My mother brought me to lunch at the new Nordstrom that recently opened at our mall. This is where I had my first glass of wine with lunch legally and this is also the first time I had an anxiety attack in public at the age of 21.My loneliness cries inside.  Tomorrow I will meet with m doctor about a different medication and I hope to speak with her about upping the amount of xanax she gives me during the month.Give me good luck and spirit.