It's the morning of m birthday and I received a lot of facebook messages and what not, but no phone calls or anything yet. I am still so sad how lonely I have been for so long. It depresses me that I cannot get out of this. Like a doctor told me it is a massive cycle of depression on top of depression.Next weekend some of my family members are coming to town.  Two of my cousins and my aunt will be staying with us.  I am somewhat anxious about it. It makes me feel like I have to suppress my anxiety attacks and my crying. I guess I will simply isolate myself in m room. When Rafle was here I was doing really well and then the last night that he was here I just fell apart. I was at a therapy appointment and I broke down and I wanted to commit suicide. I still do. But what I am trying to get at is that he thought it was he who was upsetting me and I told him no. He was not at all this is all within me.  I am the one who as the control...or I should. Right?I am trying to have strength through all of this but I am all alone and I am sad.  I feel like I need to depart from the world some how so that I wont have to deal with this anymore and neither will m parent ad m family. One of my therapists says that I need to rate my suicide level or if someone wants to know the can ask me and I need to rate it one  a scale from 1 (I definitely wont kill myself) to 10 (I am going to kill myself ASAP) She said that the period that is scary, when someone needs to go to the hospital is at number 6. I was at a 4 two days ago and I have been a 5 for the past two days. This is what scares me...the fact that if I were to kill m self, it would be so easy. Unfortunately the only thing that holds me back is my family. I wish they would just let me go. I am in pain and I just need to go. This is the time that I cannot be living anymore.I keep thinking back to childhood and the great o that life was and now it is filled with fear and anxiety. I want to be a child again. I want to die and have rebirth. I want to remember nothing of this.I better go now.