Everyday is different. It is true that the sun will come up ever morning to shine, but how will I feel about it shinning on me?  I am feeling more and more suicidal added to all of the other feelings that I am having right now. My doctor is putting me on another medication called Zyprexa. Hopefully this will allow for me to not feel like I want or need to be suicidal. I have an odd thing of OCD where I need to clean the kitchen all the time and I need to clean my bedroom before I can sleep. This is so weird. I have never been like this before.I have been trying to call my dad and he is not answering the phones. I hope he is not mad at me I kind of yelled at him today and that might not have been the greatest thing. We are all sensitive right now and I know he only wants the best of me. I know I will be better I need to change me thoughts. I need to change m life. This is time it change life and this is the time to do it. I need new everything! My life is mine and it is mine to control. So fuck this I will control it. I just need to get through the therapy and the medications. I must say I have seen a significant difference, just this OCD and suicide stuff that scares me a lot. But then again so do the panic attacks and the depression. I have power I can control this.