I have to go see a new therapist tomorrow who specializes in panic attacks. I don't know what he is going to do for me. I am skeptical as to his profession; I'd rather just see a psychologist. I don't know why m mom is making m do this I think that I am going just to please m mother but nothing is going to change. I can’t come out of an anxiety attack. I have my own ways. I am afraid of this new doctor. I am still afraid that someone is going to tell me that I am faking it. That all I am doing is ling for a kick. If only, right? Some woman at the University hospital referred him to m mother and I and I know that he should be good but I just don't want to face the sickness anymore. I can’t stop thinking about killing myself. I want to put myself to rest, so I don’t have to deal with all of this mess anymore. I stop myself from killing myself because of my family; I don't think that they would be able to deal with the loss. However, if the new how much pain I was in I am sure they would understand why I would hurt myself. I have not vomited in a long time but I keep scratching my stomach through m clothing. I don’t know why but I keep doing it and it is beginning to make my skin sore.For some reason I feel like I need to be punished. Like I need to hurt myself.I haven't told anyone this, but I was driveling down Spear Blvd and I was going super fast and I didn't know what I was doing but I felt this urge around me that made me feel like I needed to die. That it was time and that I was ready. I must have been going 75mph when I rammed the right side of the car into the curb with ever intention of going over and into the water at that mileage, but something make me stop after that usage hit to the car something kept me from driving over. Ever since then my tire has not worked. I tried to have it hidden and had wal-mart move the tires around but it still deflates constantly. And I constantly think about doing it again. I have also thought about accidentally tripping into traffic on 6th Ave. or other large streets. Somehow these thoughts comfort me, when for others they are horrific. I have only acted on these thoughts twice or maybe three times. Honestly this does scare me. I don’t want to loose m family and m life, I just want to loose the pain and the suffering that I have been going through. I don’t want this anymore. No more.  The only person who I feel comfortable telling is my brother. I will text message him my suicidal thoughts and I think that is so sick of me to make him suffer like that, to make him worry about if I am alive or not. What f I was to die? What would m parents and brother do? I don’t want to make his or her lives more difficult I just want to make it easier for everyone. That’s all.