Sometimes I feel like my mother gets really bothered by me. I try to pose questions to her that will stimulate a good conversation between us, thus building to our relationship. However, I find that she absorbs the questions and only gives minimal responses. I don't know how to build further a relationship with a person that you have known all your life. I've thought about asking to live with my father and take classes at Western, but he is trying to start his own family and I don’t want to interrupt that.I am feeling really good but really shitty at the same time. I take walks with the dog every morning to ease the pain of waking and worrying. I feel, though, that once I get all of the documents signed for the incompletes I will be less stressed.With this feeling today I just got onto a bus that said via Downtown and trusted that was where it was going. I got on and indeed it did bring me downtown! I don't know why I did this. While I was there I went to the school to get some incomplete forms and went tomy office and called my mom. She picked me up from the school and brought me home and then I walked to the mall to look at computers. (My birthday is in a week)Today was just a really odd day. On Friday when I go to see my psychiatrist I think that I am going to ask her to up my dose of klonopin for right now, because I am completely going nuts!Since the hospital I think that I have gotten better in my suicidal thoughts but they are not all gone. I sleep really well until about 5 am or so and then I go one walks wit the dog. This really allows me to think before the day begins.I went to Apple today and showed my mom the computer that I wanted for my birthday. My dad already said that he would pay for half of it so now I am just waiting for my mom to make her decision. I hope she decided to allow me to get a new computer! I would be so excited! That would make me happy. A depressed, happy person…weird.I really need a new computer. This one is falling apart by the second! I dont know what is going on with it. At least with the newer MacBook you can clean like everything on the computer.I am getting really tired. I will be back tomorrow.
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Sometimes I do things that don\'t make sense and wonder later why I even did it. There are times when I\'m completely out of character and it those moments that scare me the most. I feel as though I don\'t have control over myself. Hand in there. It has gotten better for me and it will for you too.
Taking walks with your dog is a great idea, gives you good exercise with a good companion. Walks can be very peaceful and calm you down.
Have you thought of maybe having your mom and yourself both talk to a therapist? Maybe it would give the two of you an opportunity to put everything out in the open. You can discuss what\'s going on between you two with the assistance of a therapist to help bridge together your relationship.
Sleep well, hope you get that computer! :)