God...I never thought that maybe prayer could solve some of my issues. My dad, too, has not the more recent past, however, the other night he told me to look to god; to prey. I find myself praying but unfortunately for the wrong things. I prey that I wont be afraid to leave the world behind, that I have the strength and power to leave my family and they will have the strength to understand my reasoning for my death. Every time I look at a street I feel a pain in my heart and my heart beat increases and I feel this push for me to leave this world and jump in front of a moving car. I have not driven in about two weeks because I am sedated and because I will forcibly create an accident where I can be extremely impaired if not dead.These thoughts have increased from the beginning and I am scared that I will in fact act on them. I see no more of a reason in living, life in unimportant and serves as a pathway to death anyway. I have urges to physically harm myself. I make myself vomit any chance I can get away to do it or if my mom is not around. I once tried cutting my self but it scared me. I want my emotions and frustrations to come out of my by means of vomiting not cutting.I am going to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and ask her both about the medication that never went through and about her opinion on hospitalization. It is a scary thought and I am unsure as how imperative it is for me to be admitted to the pysch ward of my hospital. It scars me to do that, but it scares me to be who I am right now.One has to understand that i have never been like this. I have never felt these things and I am completely trapped in a mental state that continually terrifies me and maintains a constant stream of confusion and anxiety. Even now I feel the need to journal but I have an exam on Tuesday, but I could care less about it. It means nothing to me. I just want to sty in my bed I want to be comfortable; I want my family.  I really only have one friend and he is my partner. All of my other friends are simply acquaintances or they have dropped me for their own selfish reasons.I vomit sometimes, a lot before staying with my mom, but I still do when I get the chance. However, I feel myself gaining weight, it could be a side affect of a drug, or simply I am eating more of a healthy diet. I wish there were more people here with me to support me. I want the companionship and love of both my brother and my father. I have this from my mother, but it saddens me that I am so far away from them and they cannot understand the magnitude of my situation. I am so FUCKING depressed and anxious. Someone please help me; help me please. I need my friends and my family. I feel as though I ha ve lost touch with everyone in my life. I have fucked up my whole life. And while I am going through this "crisis mode" as mom calls it I can't stop thinking that I am faking they entire ordeal. I have been procrastinating my homework all weekend...whatever. I better try to do it now.