I went to the doctor's office this afternoon and got some more answers. She took me off of the Xanax and the Valium and put me on something that she thinks is stronger during the day and then she gave me something more for the sleep. I wont see her until this next Friday and I cant wait. I want to go to the doctors office and try to find some new answers. I suppose this is going to be a long and tough road trying to find the right balance of medication and therapeutic treatment. I am glad that there is medical help out there that can treat me for these things. I like to take the xanax for my panic attacks and I think that I will mention that to my doctor, because it is something that helps me when I am in a scary state. I enjoy going to my doctor appointments. I think that it is good for me to finally get out there and begin to look at what has been happening in my mind. When I went to go pick up my prescriptions up at Target. I didn’t answer at first and then I called him back right away. I want to talk to my father but I think that I he doesn't understand what I specifically. He goes through a massive amount of depression and anxiety himself and he thinks that methods such as simply "thinking differently" is a substantial means of treatment. I want to be influenced by the opinions of my parents, but I don’t want them to continue to try to control my life and my lifestyle. I will do what I need to-do to get myself better.My thoughts of suicide have increased this week. For some reason I think of killing myself by automobile. Either crashing my own car somehow, not hurting anyone else, or I would like to just simply walk into moving traffic, go to Speer Blvd and walking down the center hurting my self. Something else that is weird is that I keep having this hope for an illness. Something like cancer that will allow me to relax and focus my mind on things that really matter in life. I know that the things that I worry about are insignificant, however, I cannot stop thinking. This is a constant argument with myself. I just think about everything all day long. I want to relax and i cant. I cant even sleep! It is so frustrating, I am going to try the new sleeping medicine tonight and I hope that I will be able to sleep.Is it practical for me to even to argue about this? Medication is such an odd thing in life. In some stages they can hurt someone and in other cases, most cases, the medications are working. I hope that I will find a mixture that will help me soon.