It's Thursday. That always brightens my day because that means that I am done with school for the week. No I have to go into the weekend worrying that I am going to fail my two exams on Tuesday. I got an extension from of my professors for emotional distress and now I have tow exams on one day. I suppose that it is all right if I don’t do well on these two exams because I know I still have a significant amount of time left to get my grades back up. But I just simply want to relax and breathe. I want to rest. Everything is so hectic that I cannot stop.I keep getting these sprits of aggressiveness where I just feel so angry and that I just need to squeeze something of beak something. This aggression happens about three or four ties a day and lasts for just a few moments but it is so difficult. I feel so aggressive like I just want to die. Like there is now way out and nothing can help me feel better. I am afraid that this aggression will somehow lead to me hurting myself. I try to squeeze some ball or something but nothing works. I ended up ripping a shirt last night because of it and I keep scratching at my stomach really hard I leave marks. I just want to tear my clothes off and then tear off my skin. I feel as though I don’t belong and I cant be here this is not the place for me...The only thing that holds me back from hurting myself is my family. I don't want to hurt them. But, this is becoming and less and less concern for me.
Replies
I\'ve read your journal entries and I\'m very concerned about you. I don\'t know what meds you are taking but you could be having some side effects. I\'m not encouraging you to stop taking them or anything but please take that into consideration. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you. I know that must be hard for you to see right now. This is an extremely difficult period in your life but it will pass. I\'m glad you are seeing a therapist, please continue with that. I know you are in a lot of pain and want that pain to go away, but please don\'t ever give up. You are a good person and don\'t let your mind tell you anything else. You don\'t have to be perfect in everything you do. You are allowed to make mistakes. You\'ve accomplished a lot and you would not be a failure if you needed to take a break. It\'s hard for you to see right now because you are young but a few months or even a year is not going to make that much of a difference. Your health (physical, mental and spiritual) is your #1 priority. It doesn\'t matter what other people think of you. As you get older you will understand what I mean. You cannot please everyone in your life. I finally was able to let go of my perfectionism and quest to please people. I\'ve also been working on my self-esteem and seeing myself as a worthy person for who I am, not what I do. Please, please, please take care of yourself. There are a lot of people here who care. DON\'T GIVE UP! I am proof that you can overcome anxiety. It just takes time and patience. Learn to love yourself!