Are we able to choose the paths that we wish to lead? In some respects I am sure this is true. For a number of choices, though, I know I would choose otherwise. Anxiety and frustration has gotten the best of me. I am no longer who I was before and I feel like will never be again. My strength has weakened significantly and I can’t seem to motivate my mind or my body. I used to be able to with ease. I felt like I could do any thing. Now I am alone, afraid and concerned that I may do something that I don’t want to do.  The other day I thought about trying to cut myself. This is something that has personally sickened me forever. I've always thought, "How can a person deface their body like that and want to feel that pain?" I feel the pain constantly now and I think that by cutting myself I may be able to exert some of the pain through the cuts. Or at least distract my constant pain with a different type.I saw the psychotherapist today and she seemed nice. I am still concerned if this can still help me? What is it going to do for me I have tried to walk every avenue already, including this one. How s it going to be any different now than it was before?I think that today the Xanax worked somewhat with the anxiety, yet I still have these surges of anxiety and frustration that just drive me crazy. Last night I tried to take the 10mg of valium and that didn;t work very well I was still sitting here at the computer and watching TV trying to figure out what to do next. As an anxious person I find myself researching constantly of what might be wrong and how to solve it, with or without drugs. As of now I want to try the drugs. I know that sounds odd but I have tried everything and I want to do that. Of course i want to do this along side time with my therapist. I am so confused. I am utterly lost I want to just go to school and that is it...During my session this afternoon I began to cry after she asked me what my perfect day/life would look like.  I don’t know why...I just did. It hurt.