I've been told one of the numberous methods to settle depression is to maintain a journal. I suppose I have and, now, will continue to use this as my "digital diary." There are so few things that I find necessary to say in a journal entry. What is the use in expressing your opinion if it will never be heard? And for that matter is it really an opinion if it cannot be heard? I suppose I don't have to vividly express my opinions in my journal, rather let me jump into expressing my feelings. I feel unsafe. It is the first word that comes to mind after thinking for a few moments, and as it sinks in I feel it more and more. This feeling of uncertainty and fear reeks and eats away at my life. There is no use trying to fight it, it has already won.I feel dizzy now. I don't eat or sleep properly. Today I went to the store and bought four bars of chocolate and a bottle of sleeping pills. My emotions over weigh what used to be passion and drive. I cant remember the last time that I did homework and I don't know when I will want to again. All I have going for me in my life is school and it is the last thing that I want to do.I am student body president for the University of Colorado and I have no idea what I am doing there. I am trying to lead these petty people to do great things and all they care about are the new words they can stamp on to their resume for graduate school. This drives me insane. There are passionate people there and there are apathetic bastards that only retard the government in itself.I am seeing doctors due to the fact that my condition has worsened and I think that they think I am faking my disorder. I used to be bulimic and I have started to forcefully hurt myself again. My parents know what I have been doing and they too advised me to seek help, however, now that the bill has come, as a divorced couple they are required to fight over what they financially should be responsible for. Yet they are both responsible for me.My eyes are tearing up now and my hands are beginning to shake as I hit each key. Why have I become this way again? I just want to close myself from the world and die. I want to cut myself from my parents and friends and be alone. I want to run away from all of this. I feel constantly dirty and rotten inside. My surroundings are unnatural and unforgiving. I want to go home but I am overridden with reluctance to see my father and his new family.It is the most unfamiliar feeling to feel so close to one person yet so far away as I do to my father. I remember the past we all had as a family. Why does he want something new? Is he that lonely that he is forced to dive himself to marry a foreign woman and adopt her son in hopes that the both of them will assimilate to this American culture we all hold so dear? It sickens me that my mother was forced, by my father's apathy, to propose to him. Now, years later, he is proposing to a woman who will never understand the true moral or literal meaning being that simple yet powerful phrase. But, what can I do? Nothing. The only control I have is over myself yet all I do is sit back and watch myself run through life anxiously as though it's something I must do to get to an end. But there is no end this will go on for ever keeping me from true happiness and always regretting what I have dome in the past.My mother reiterates how fortunate I am as a person. I could care less. Life has no meaning to me at this point. My accomplishments mean nothing to no one other than myself and I have helped no one along the way and it seems as though no one will help me now. Now I need help. I want to throw up, badly. It makes me uneasy that I cannot control this urge to eat and then regurgitate. I have no more control.I have lost myself.