Oh, soooooooooo depressed today :(  I think it's because my quit date is right around the corner.  I have chewed so much gum to try and cut down that my teeth feel like they are going to fall out.  My nerves are on edge and I find that I'm waking in the middle of the night with my mouth so clenched it's almost unbearable.  My God, is this all because my quit date is coming up?  Is this worth it?  Yes........I can't talk myself out of it.  I found an excellent posting from two years ago.   This woman just poured out her feeling about smoking and it really hit me.  I just have to keep reading and re-reading it until I understand what my smoking is doing to me.  I have Allen Carr's book on it's way and just got an e-mail that it was shipped today, I have a carton of herbal non-nicotine cigarettes also on their way in case I do freak out, it will be with those and not a real cig.  I'm already on the chantix and on schedule, and for the next four days the kids will be in school and their huge project is already done.   I think I know what all of my triggers are and the biggest one being the telephone.  So with all of that said and done, why don't I feel any better.  It's like a black cloud hanging over my head.  I know I will fail.  It's not a choice, because I can already see me failing.  I just keep telling myself that I need to make it at least to day four.  If I can do that, then I know I can keep going.  I don't think anything worse can go wrong in my life, because I've almost lost everything, so that shouldn't be a trigger.......oh, I should knock on wood.  Why would I say that?  It's like jinxing myself.......what an idiot I am.  Maybe my OCD is kicking in?  Maybe I won't be happy until I know I am fully prepared for this.......?  Well I'm not getting any younger and I have to just relax and know that this is going to hurt physically and emotionally.  If I'm already expecting that then I won't be so surprised when it happens.  Well at least for the first four days. 
 
I guess I'll write more later.