3 Years Tomorrow

It's going to be 3 yrs ago tomorrow that I said goodbye to my little man. I felt you kick for the first and last time that day. The second they poked you with the needle I felt you squirm. Like it was you telling me to stop and to make them stop hurting you. They turned the screen away from me and took you away. I couldn't see your last heartbeat or watch you fade away. All I saw was the Doctor pump you with a drug. I said goodbye that day and began the rest of my depressing, painful, missing you, hating god life. I still cant believe I did it. I killed you twice. once by making you terminally sick and twice by taking your life then and there. I keep thinking about all the things we all went through and wish it didn't have to happen. People said it would be OK, but they had no fucking clue. They still say it..."oh if you get pregnant again things will work out... it was just a fluke last time" fuck them. they have no idea. they havent lot children/babies before. I will never get to enjoy a pregnancy ever again because of my past experiences. I will always be scared and wondering at every twitch I feel. Is it normal, or is that my baby trying to tell me something isnt right! Friends who brush off my pain have no idea that it still kills me.... " hey we should go to the beach tomorrow... you should have fun eventhough you will be sad." DO you understand what I'm saying???? I lost my SON tomorrow!!! I dont WANT to have fun! I want to remember my little boy and how important he is to me. I only have 3 days a fucking year to remember and tribute to him so LET ME BE! I dont expect people do understand, I just expect them to let me grieve and MAYBE support me. Call me tomorrow to ask if they can do anything even though they know I wont answer.
Anyways. I miss you my little Ry-bear. I will be thinking of you always and long for the day we meet again. I hope you and Maddy will spend the day together tomorrow thinking of how much you're both loved and cherish eachother. Have fun and relax for Mommy.
 
I love u.