3 parts to yesterday that I never posted
Part I:
I know it's only Friday afternoon, but I am already worrying about many things. I am so shaky and feel sick to my stomach. It seems like nerves, but nerves of what? I am very upset regarding next week. I think it may be because it feels like no one cares about me or I'm not important enough. I'm scared that people will leave me and i will just become invisible. When Joanna is out for a day that I typically see her, I feel like it's because of me. I'm afraid she won't come back and I will just fall off the charts. I feel invisible when people leave me and I'm alone. I feel as though this is kind of like when I was little and my mom left. How was I supposed to know if she would come back? So there I was, invisible. I want to try to stay in the moment this weekend, today, sat, sun, mon. But I'm just not sure how. How do I do that?!
Part II:
I went to my parents to pick up a package that was delivered their house and not mine...big mistake. Got there and went inside to say hi to my dad, he put his hand on my shoulder and said that I was way too skinny. I decided to tell him what I told Jill on Tuesday in regards to not caring. Then told him about my session with Joanna on Wednesday and said that since then I wanted to change because i realized I want a family in my life and I need to change for that. I continued to say that since Wednesday's session I have been eating well (3 meals a day), he did not believe me. I then said how nervous i was about not seeing Joann until next Wednesday and then about the two weeks in July where I would not be able to see her. He said that I'm addicted to seeing Joanna. He said that I am dependent on her and I need to separate. I told him yes right now it seems like it, but that is where i am at the moment. Back in January I was seeing Joanna 5 times a week and never thought that I would be able to go down to 4, let alone 3. As time went on I was able to and now am comfortable with 3...it will continue like that. I then started balling and He got frustrated that I consider Joann's office a safe place. He didn't understand it. Just like how often I see Joanna, eventually I will feel comfortable enough to have more safe places, but not yet. Bottom line I got very upset.
So upset that I could not control myself. I wanted to die. I cut. I burned myself. I was suicidal. I called my friend who is so helpful and has been down the same path, but got her voice mail. I called Joanna, but got her voice mail. I called my old therapist, but got his voice mail. Eventually Blair called me back right before Joanna did and helped me calm down a little, though I was still really upset- I wasn't even sure what from anymore. Emotions were coming out that I didn't even know where from. I didn't feel that my emotions should be that out of whack. Lately I have been crying sporadically again. When Joanna called me back I was a little better than when I left her a voice mail, so she basically said "well it seems like you are better" and I just responded with "yes". End of conversation. Why didn't I continue? I was in the parking lot outside of my friends' house where I was supposed to have dinner when I made all the phone calls. Eventually after I ate at my friend's, I excused myself and said I had to leave because I was too much of a mess.
Part III: (wrote this morning)
Last night I was clearly not in a good state of mind at all. I ended up leaving my friends house early because I kept breaking down in tears to the point where I could not control myself. On the way home I was a wreck. I wanted to hurt myself so badly. I wanted Carlos to come home early from work or talk to me on the phone but he couldn't. After much contemplation I called my daddy. We talked for almost two hours. My entire drive home and then from when I got home until I fell asleep. I was crying/ screaming the way I constantly was when I was at Renfrew. I could not understand why. Eventually when I calmed down a little my daddy and I worked through the possibilities of why. First possibility was that I was still upset and angry when I left Joanna because of not seeing her on Monday- and I never put closure to that. Secondly, after I left my daddy earlier, I left crying and never put closure to that either. Lastly, perhaps (though I don't think it works that quickly) I didn't take my medications for two days. I think with all that and not having closure to any of it I broke down and just could not handle it all by myself. My daddy was amazing and I am so thankful for him. He apologized for all he said earlier yesterday, but was just shocked because he saw my shoulders (and not covered up like usual) which scared and frightened him. He has every right to say how he felt, I wish I had responded differently, but I did not and don't think I could of at this point in time, but I do take responsibility for my actions. Today is a new day and I have faith that it will be better. I have already spoken to my dad and apologized for my actions and thanked him from the bottom of my heart for helping me last night. I have also taken my medication. I know that I can and will get through this weekend.
I know it's only Friday afternoon, but I am already worrying about many things. I am so shaky and feel sick to my stomach. It seems like nerves, but nerves of what? I am very upset regarding next week. I think it may be because it feels like no one cares about me or I'm not important enough. I'm scared that people will leave me and i will just become invisible. When Joanna is out for a day that I typically see her, I feel like it's because of me. I'm afraid she won't come back and I will just fall off the charts. I feel invisible when people leave me and I'm alone. I feel as though this is kind of like when I was little and my mom left. How was I supposed to know if she would come back? So there I was, invisible. I want to try to stay in the moment this weekend, today, sat, sun, mon. But I'm just not sure how. How do I do that?!
Part II:
I went to my parents to pick up a package that was delivered their house and not mine...big mistake. Got there and went inside to say hi to my dad, he put his hand on my shoulder and said that I was way too skinny. I decided to tell him what I told Jill on Tuesday in regards to not caring. Then told him about my session with Joanna on Wednesday and said that since then I wanted to change because i realized I want a family in my life and I need to change for that. I continued to say that since Wednesday's session I have been eating well (3 meals a day), he did not believe me. I then said how nervous i was about not seeing Joann until next Wednesday and then about the two weeks in July where I would not be able to see her. He said that I'm addicted to seeing Joanna. He said that I am dependent on her and I need to separate. I told him yes right now it seems like it, but that is where i am at the moment. Back in January I was seeing Joanna 5 times a week and never thought that I would be able to go down to 4, let alone 3. As time went on I was able to and now am comfortable with 3...it will continue like that. I then started balling and He got frustrated that I consider Joann's office a safe place. He didn't understand it. Just like how often I see Joanna, eventually I will feel comfortable enough to have more safe places, but not yet. Bottom line I got very upset.
So upset that I could not control myself. I wanted to die. I cut. I burned myself. I was suicidal. I called my friend who is so helpful and has been down the same path, but got her voice mail. I called Joanna, but got her voice mail. I called my old therapist, but got his voice mail. Eventually Blair called me back right before Joanna did and helped me calm down a little, though I was still really upset- I wasn't even sure what from anymore. Emotions were coming out that I didn't even know where from. I didn't feel that my emotions should be that out of whack. Lately I have been crying sporadically again. When Joanna called me back I was a little better than when I left her a voice mail, so she basically said "well it seems like you are better" and I just responded with "yes". End of conversation. Why didn't I continue? I was in the parking lot outside of my friends' house where I was supposed to have dinner when I made all the phone calls. Eventually after I ate at my friend's, I excused myself and said I had to leave because I was too much of a mess.
Part III: (wrote this morning)
Last night I was clearly not in a good state of mind at all. I ended up leaving my friends house early because I kept breaking down in tears to the point where I could not control myself. On the way home I was a wreck. I wanted to hurt myself so badly. I wanted Carlos to come home early from work or talk to me on the phone but he couldn't. After much contemplation I called my daddy. We talked for almost two hours. My entire drive home and then from when I got home until I fell asleep. I was crying/ screaming the way I constantly was when I was at Renfrew. I could not understand why. Eventually when I calmed down a little my daddy and I worked through the possibilities of why. First possibility was that I was still upset and angry when I left Joanna because of not seeing her on Monday- and I never put closure to that. Secondly, after I left my daddy earlier, I left crying and never put closure to that either. Lastly, perhaps (though I don't think it works that quickly) I didn't take my medications for two days. I think with all that and not having closure to any of it I broke down and just could not handle it all by myself. My daddy was amazing and I am so thankful for him. He apologized for all he said earlier yesterday, but was just shocked because he saw my shoulders (and not covered up like usual) which scared and frightened him. He has every right to say how he felt, I wish I had responded differently, but I did not and don't think I could of at this point in time, but I do take responsibility for my actions. Today is a new day and I have faith that it will be better. I have already spoken to my dad and apologized for my actions and thanked him from the bottom of my heart for helping me last night. I have also taken my medication. I know that I can and will get through this weekend.
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