3 months already gone
It's Tuesday nite and as I'm staring at the TV, I am reminded that tomorrow the 26th of February marks 3 months that Jennifer is gone. It is also Wednesday which was Jennifer's Chemo day which was always an emotional day for me to see my daughter go through that week after week. So I'm feeling sad, lonely for her. The tears are flowing as I know they do when I least expect them but DAMMIT, I MISS HER SO MUCH! Why doesn't life stop? just for tonite - it's all moving so fast and yet I am in slow motion so much of the time - At work, I do what I need to do but it seems like it's slow motion....still finding myself looking for a message from her or someone telling me at work that "Jennifer is on the line"..DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT....My sobs are gut wrenching....reality sets in more and more as time goes on....she really is not coming back....
Sorry to ramble but it helps me to write. It's shower time where I often cry the hardest as the water seems to wash over me and helps. So for tonight, I'm hoping I dream of my beautiful daughter with my beautiful mom so that I don't feel so alone. Thanks SOTH - I am so thankful for you. Vicki
Sorry to ramble but it helps me to write. It's shower time where I often cry the hardest as the water seems to wash over me and helps. So for tonight, I'm hoping I dream of my beautiful daughter with my beautiful mom so that I don't feel so alone. Thanks SOTH - I am so thankful for you. Vicki
Replies
My heart just breaks for you tonight. I say DAMMIT too...Hoping for you some peaceful days.
Nell
I know to well those gut wrenching sobs. 2.4yrs later and I still get them.
Hugs to you
Xoxo
Laura
DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT!!!!!!! My heart breaks for you. I feel your pain. You are not alone......
((((HUGS))))....Julia
It totally, totally stinks. I just hit 6 months for my son -- it is unbelievable and horrible and unbelievable again. Wishing you a happy dream of Jennifer!!!
tis morning now,,, I am hoping that shower washed a few tears and even a little sleep came your way.... praying today is an ok day... love ya!
DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!
I hear and identify with every emotion you\'ve expressed here. Ramble on my friend....that\'s what this sight if for.
I too found great comfort/release in the hot water rushing over me while crying, and often screaming, in the shower. I\'ve never been so \"clean\" as I was during those first two months or so, LOL.....gotta let the laughter come when it does!
I sure hope your beautiful daughter and your beautiful mom have met up with my beautiful daughter and my beautiful mom! I like that thought.
Keep holding on my friend. Keep sharing, and know you are in our thoughts and being held tightly in our hearts.
As we are connected here they are all seeing and watching over us in this journey. I hope you can find some peace. Love, Kathy
May you continue to feel it all so that you can heal on this path that no mother should ever have to find herself on.
Let those tears flow and I\'ve shed so many in the shower as well... It has become my \"wailing wall\" too...
Understanding and sending along the tightest heart (((hug))) to you right now.
May Jennifer BE within you always and her light shine because one day that very small ember that feels as if it\'s smoldering now will slowly burn brightly once again. Of this you can be certain and all in your own time and in your own way. Healing is happening even on those days we doubt it the most... It is... Tuck this away and lean into it when you need to.
Heart to heart and Hand in hand we go,
XO Joanie
BLESS YOUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER TODAY. PASSED 3 MONTHS AGO TODAY. I DON,T EVEN NOW WHAT TO SAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. THERE ARE NO WORDS. JUST I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELIING, SEEING YOUR DAUGHTER SUFFER I SAW IT TO SUFFER SUFFER. MY HEART WAS BROKE, GOD BLESS YOU TODAY GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH THIS PAINFULL DAY. LOTS OF HUGS AND LOVE BLESS YOUR ANGEL NOW SHE IS NOT SUFFERING NO MORE. JUST LIKE MY DAUGHTER NO MORE SUFFERING. WRITE TO ME IF YOU WANT TO TALK. LOVE MARY ANN.
First, Vicki, you do not have to ever apologize here for rambling, writing whatever etc. If there were rules about that, I would have been kicked out a long time ago :-). In fact, most us of would have been. Whether it be in the shower or in the car (that is where I screamed the loudest), it is good to get it out. I remember stopping at a stop sign coming home from work and beating my steering wheel, screaming at the top of my lungs. And boy, did I feel better for it! In the beginning, I counted days. Then weeks. Then months. Now, I think in terms of years. I am quite sure that I am repeating something that I always say to new moms and that is that a date is just a number on a calendar and that we miss our children no more or no less than any other day of the year. My son died on the Saturday before Thanksgiving, which was the 22nd. Two years ago, the 22nd fell on Thanksgiving day. Was I supposed to feel worse on Saturday or the 22nd? This year, his death date is again on a Saturday. The thing about coming to the reality that our children really are not coming back takes time to fully accept. I pretended things at first...I was in a Target and stood there, looking down aisles, thinking that Michael would come up to me any minute saying \"Mom, I found what I was looking for\". The idea that I would truly never see him again in this life of mine seemed unbearable, too much to comprehend. An impossibility! In time, I learned that the overwhelming pain episodes would ease. I became \"friends\" with it. Like, okay, here you are again but you will pass. It is the proverbial \"roller coaster\" ride. Up and down, up and down. It is all a process, so to speak, and at first, the reality is not real to us. Eventually, my friend, it will be and then healing will begin. And like someone else said, healing is happening even though you don\'t know it yet.
Every day that passes is a bit further ahead on this unwanted journey.
Peace and Love.
Belinda