3 months
Yesterday was the 3 month mark when I walked out of the hospital, the last time I saw my baby. The accident was on the 18th, I will always hate the 18 and the 23rd along with everyday in between. I am really sad today. I miss her and honestly I do not want to even try to change. I just want to be with her. I know that sounds so selfish, I have a wonderful husband and daughter and family here on earth that need me to live again. I just dont want to. I have nothing to offer this life anymore. No matter how often I think of the blessings I have in my life my mind goes right back to losing my Marissa and How unfair that I am able to live and she is gone! I have been a mother for more than half my life everything I did was for my girls, everything I just do not know what to do. This hurts so bad! I want her back so bad!
Replies
it is heartbreaking. I understand the pain - there is no comparison. You express what most of us felt or feel. It is most definitely not fair.
I made a pact with my son that neither of us would do anything rash. We both suffer from depression. I just wanted to die.
As you said, your husband and daughter need you to live. It takes time, and the fact is, you will never be the same person. But you will morph in to a new you; a you who will smile again and find joy again.
I still miss Lisa more than I can say. But now I can enjoy life too, as I know she would want me to.
Your loss is so raw. Now is the time to mourn the loss of your beautiful Marissa. Please come here as often as you like. You will always find someone who can relate. I know the future looks hopeless but in time the edges will soften.
I wish I could be there to hug you and cry with you. Just know we care.
Love and tightest hugs,
Marlene
SIGH - It has been almost 17 months since I too, walked out of that hospital in shock, disbelief and not really able to comprehend what the hell just happened. Jennifer, my only child, my beautiful daughter was physically gone. There have been so many times and @ times there are times I too, wonder why am I here? I don\'t know the answer to that, but I can tell you, there are moments that I can breathe easier, there are moments that I can look @ a picture and smile in the midst of my tears. Marlene is so right in that we are different now - changed - BUT YOU WILL MAKE IT.....doesn\'t FEEL like it but YOU WILL.
I\'m so glad you found this group of moms - I understand and am crying with you - heart to heart. (((hugs))) Vicki
I know. Like Marlene, my daughter and I made as much of a pact that neither one of us would do something to put the other in as much pain as the loss of my son, her brother. It\'s been just over two years now.
I even told my grief councillor that if I chose to end the pain, she would only read about it in my obituary. I was dead serious.
And I am still here. To this day, pressure from anyone to \"get better\" \"be happy\" or \"move on\" drives me crazy and pisses me right off.
As much as you have a good husband and daughter who need you desperately, the \"YOU\" that was simply does not exist any longer. How could \"SHE\" no be changed forever?
With love and patience and compassion and tears and grief, one day will turn into another and you will move through certain things rather quickly and some things will last.
As Vicki said BREATHE! You are so new to this life long journey and have to be ever so gentle with yourself. Ask for patience, ask for hugs, ask for silence and most importantly, allow yourself to simply BE. Trying to force yourself to be somewhere you honestly can\'t be is adding more pain to what you are now faced with.
One breath at a time my SOTH. We are here and truly do understand and will hold you tight along your journey.
really tight hugs, Merrilee
Your loss is so very new and you are still so raw. I remember wondering how others could still be happy when all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and never come out. Life is not fair & sometimes it just really sucks. What I find really amazing is that after Billy passed over my therapist put me in touch with 2 other mothers who also lost 19 year old sons. Mary lost her son 9 years before we met. I am now Mary - 5/8 will be 9 years. I remember being just in awe of this women - she was actually smiling and enjoying life again. Not the same life as before but a new one she created for herself and family. She had actually survived the hell I found myself in. That helped me tremendously - meeting with women who knew exactly what I was feeling and going through - they actually got it - I didn\'t have to pretend around them. Try checking with the chaplain service at the local hospital - that is how my therapist found these women - they should know what services are available to you. They might also know women you can meet with one on one. No one understands like another mother who has gone through what you are - we do understand and know exactly what you are feeling. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hugs, Ann
I think your feelings are perfectly natural. May 5th will make 5 months since I lost my son and I can totally identify with what you wrote. I am trying to focus on taking care of my girls. They are why I get out of bed every day. Crying with you. You are not alone. Tight Hugs, Paula
What you describe doesn\'t sound selfish at all. The pain is so intense that just not being here anymore seems like a good choice. Annsullivan said talking to a mom who had been on this journey for 9 years gave her hope that survival was possible. I\'ve been on this journey 7 yrs now & I can say I\'m in a place I didn\'t think I could find again. A place of some peace, some smiles, even some hope. I still have bad days but they do not consume my every moment now.
I wish there was something to say or do that could help ease your pain, perhaps just knowing we are here with you & for you can help you get through another day. Hugs of compassion & understanding.....Vicki
I hope reading that your feelings are understood and that we hear you helps... I remember so well how hard it was and its still hard. Its going to be hard to breathe many times the rest of my life. One of the things I remember those first years is such sadness when I\'d see other moms with their daughters and know that I would never get to do any of those things with Cara... I was jealous... not that I didn\'t want other mom and daughters to share that special bond... I just wanted to be able to do it too... but it wasn\'t possible... I am so sorry you\'re going through this. I do believe you can find a way to live as so many of us have had to where we can feel and cherish the moments we had and our continuing love for our children, at least more often than relive the sadness of their deaths... Hugs Elissa