3 December 208

today is my hubby's 50th birthday.  you know what i did? YESTERDAY i woke up with a good feeling, motiviated, and went to the gift shop to spend a bit that i didnt have! credit card, and i decided to do something.i decided that we have had so much input from teachers, and therapists, and people giving advice, negative or positive, etc etc, that I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING NICE. yesterday was mine and david's first anniversary, and i was motivated to do something special for him, AND the family.so i told them all to come together at 6.15pm. (we have a large family and sometimes difficult to get everyone together at the same time!) it all worked out, and id decorated our dining room with banners, balloons, gifts wrapped up, and a cake with candles.  as david came home from work the kids started throwing up the balloons and singing happy birthday for david. and he bought me beautiful flowers. then i said i had a little presentation to make. i had made a CERTIFICATE for each child for being an "Outstanding Person" in 2008. i called them up one by one and told the family how each of them has had a really rough year, but how we have stuck together as a team, and how unbelievably well they had done. (khaely was kicked out her school for unacceptable behaviour. and jarod has to repeat grade 3 next year cos he couldnt cope. screw all these people who cannot relate to what they have been through!) and as each of them was called up to receive their certificate and get their little present, their eyes lit up and they were SO happy.  i knew that ALL they needed to know is that in THEIR home they are loved, and mom loves them and is proud of them, for ALL their efforts. and we had a cake for david to blow candles, and all sang. and he opened his presents. and i gave a gift to my mom, and thanked her for being the wonderful granny she is in this family. and one for pappa, davids dad, because we love him. and one each to the 2 ladies who looked after jessy at home, our helpers, who are still with us. and i thanked and complimented our family, i validated that we've had a hard year, and i congratulated them for sticking together and doing our best, and wished for all of us to have a stronger and better year next year. and of course i also got mySELF a little present, and they were all excited and applauded me. i felt good coz i followed my heart and did it when i FELT it was the right time, not becoz of some national event. since jessy passed i know to live for the NOW.  i am so happy i did that for my family.  at moments i held my tears back and a PRAY that none of them saw that coz i REALLY WANTED them to be happy.and i really want to be the mother, and wife, the daughter, and daughter-in-law, that they all have missed so much this year. it felt good