3 am........the harkening hour......

listening to the night sounds.......bugs holding a concert in the dark.  they practice and perform hour after hour.  not one plan in site for this 4th of july.

well one tiny little plan, i pulled a steak out of the freezer.......plan to make a salad, baked potato and that steak and find some peace.  if i'm too tuckered i have top ramen as a fall back meal.......!

despite it all i did a lot yesterday.  made calls to request records be sent to the new rheumy.  labs came back indicating that currently there is no inflammation showing in my labs........and yet the CFS and the Fibro are kicking my keester.........someday there will be a test that will reveal these illnesses like other illnesses can be more readily identified......and that will be a great day/beginning for others who suffer as we do........when i mentioned all the pain at present she said well aren't you taking your tramadol? 

first off, i can only take one with an anti nausea med or i barf miss lady on the phone.  and secondly that tramadol does precious little to alleviate the pain.  it's like using a kid's water pistol on a forest fire.  ........  i wonder if oncologists simply tell patients to take a tylenol for their pain?  maybe some don't think it's right to compare this kind of illness with cancer, but this is a type of illness that feels at times like a real life sentence.  there are no breaks, there is no day off..........no vacation plan that nips the symptoms in the bud and gives us those carefree days of summer.  i really do feel better now, despite being wide awake in the middle of the night than how i felt yesterday. 

when the symptoms and the pain hit like that it takes me down to the ground emotionally and physically. i'm pushing through that wall of fatigue and pain .....trying to hold conversations, follow and remember detail........i feel like this giant windshield........a few bugs stick to me, but not much else........and yet i keep on pushing and trying.  sometimes i wonder if i don't have adhd......cause despite the achy, shivery sleepy thing going on i found myself pushing to change the kitty litter, to return phone calls, to do the basic chores........and in between all this stuff i was doing i was crying and blowing my red little nose.  things i have in common with rudolph, the reindeer.  somehow i feel that pushing despite it all helps me fight my way through the despair of being hit with another flare.  and that feeling of being so alone when it hits........i eventually find a way to settle in and cope, but sometimes it hits so hard and fast.........

now it's only 3:12 am.........tired........can i sleep now?  hope so........wishing you a happy july 4th......let freedom ring!  God Bless America........hugs, lights out time......night night!