3/6/20

Something of an eventful day, recap for grounding purposes. 

I missed school today so I could go a college information day, basically it was introducing students to the school's honors program. I was quite grumpy from the get-go since I was not at all considering this college, and while it was nice to miss school I was itching to do things with my free time besides visit a college I wasn't actually interested in. My mother kept insisting why not, we could do it "for fun", we were there anyway, blah blah blah. Dismissing me as always, talking over me as always. Well today it infuriated me. My anger grew and grew. Finally one of the presentations was actually very interesting so that changed my mood for the better. Then my mother continually talked crap about how I'd been in a piss-poor mood that morning. Punishing me for emotions. Something I'd always taken as normal, but now I see is just a ridiculous way to parent. 

We go home. I accidentally trigger the house alarm and end up getting screamed at by my mother as a stupid child, stupid child couldnt even do this right, stupid child couldn't even do that right, stupid child is so annoying. All of this because I tried to turn off the alarm manually instead of with a remote, which I didn't even know existed. So I'm being degraded and torn apart for not knowing about a remote nobody told me about. I am furious at this point. Angier than I've been in years. How dare she talk to me like that? How dare she lose her temper and tear into me when I have barely done anything? How dare she not allow me to have emotions when she allows her to spill over so childishly? I absolutely cannot justify this in my head, no cool thought to calm me down. I lost my temper for the first time in about two years. At that moment I just wanted to throw something. I raised her keys over my head and SMASHED them on the ground with all my strength, breaking two car remotes.

Lucky for me, she thought it was an accident, so I didn't face any of that wrath. Besides having to pick up the pieces I got off scot free. The remotes were easily put back together. Now, if she had known I did that on purpose I think I would have been in for an even worse toungue lashing, and I know it would have hurt. A lot. I would have been degraded more, she would have been angrier. Maybe she would have hit me. 

I felt bad at first, I talked to B about it and he helped me not. Then I didn't care as much. I have permission to lose my temper once in a while. I'm not going to beat myself up for it, that'll make it worse. It felt good, to be honest. I got over the whole thing relatively fast, about half an hour I was already cooled down and moving on. Much better than in the past when I might have cried for an hour and sulked for a couple more. If breaking a car remote is the worst thing in the world to my mother, I shudder to think what she would think of things like... gasp... breaking a plate, or even... getting a B in a class. Oh god, the humanity! But seriously, when it comes to things I do she's always overreacted like this. Once I spilled a tin of soup and she took my phone away for a month after screaming at me for an hour. 

I had a lazy afternoon, I am trying to learn to not be so frantic about life, always wanting to do something. Being productive makes me happy but the obsession with productivity is unhealthy. So I did nothing for a few hours. Mindless activities like games. I won't say I felt good about it, but I felt less bad, so that's something. Then I washed my dog and did my laundry. My mom was suddenly on good terms with me, of course there wasn't an apology, not even an acknowledgement. I kind of just accepted it. She must have felt guilty since she kept checking up on me directly afterwards, though I'm not sure how to feel about that. It vindicates her very very little. 

B left to drive two hours away to his extended family, I won't see him for a few days. Which, we both agreed it's good to be able to have distance from each other to build a strong relationship between two individuals. I haven't missed him in such an unhealthy way as I used to, where I seemed to long for him constantly, I just miss him normally where it feels a little empty because I can't visit him. But the day goes on. At least my feelings are always mutual in this relationship, since I know he misses me too. We're both sappy as hell. 

I think I went too far with my "lazy day" today, honestly I did get everything I needed to get done done, but I just feel deep down guilt over it, I feel like I could have done more, I feel like I failed myself and my goals, so on and so forth. Finding a balance is difficult, but I think doing it gradually is the best way. Today I just wanted to play games, and I disregarded a lot of responsibilities I could have taken on. I just don't feel good about it. I want to continue with being less uptight about productivity but also I need to be more disciplined. 

In the hours before bed I worked ona joint art piece with B. He does 3D posters with models and fancy lighting, he sent me one and asked me to hand draw some details and a background. I haven't done digital art, or even just art, seriously in a long time. I remember now why I stopped doing digital art. It is simply frustrating, incredibly technical, too much planning, buttons buttons and buttons, always pressing the wrong keys, the opacity is always wrong, it is back and forth and I get instant headaches. It is not a good environment for me to make art. I prefer the sound of a pen on paper, or a pencil, it feels more controlled there, not in the lines of code of a computer program but in my hands, controlled by me. I think with time I could get more used to digital art again, and not get so many headaches, but I don't think it will ever be my main medium. Anyway I messed around with textures, lighting, gradients and I made a cool little photoshopped background, it didn't look half bad actually. The process just left me a little... somber. Here it is: 

Then I tried to hand-draw something digitally, which was much worse, I HATED it, I started dissociating so fast, the layers were wrong, this was wrong, that was wrong, something was covering something else, the brushes were uneven, it was too zoomed in. I kept going with it for a while, not comprehending why it was so unpleasant, than gave in and signed off for the night. 

So it's bedtime now, and I actually feel quite miserable. The day wasn't too bad, though. I don't like how so much of my perception of a day depends on how I feel right before I go to bed. I'm miserable now, but I wasn't before. I was fine. Happy even. If I go to sleep, and don't pull myself down too much, I will be fine tomorrow too... 

"I will always be there to support you, whether as a friend or as a lover." 

Goodnight