3/21/2013

Just like every day it seems for the last few weeks, I am up and down like a rollercoaster. It's so unlike me to have so many mood changes so quickly in the span of a day. Not sure why it's happening. Taking my meds-though I did forget today and yesterday. Went to therapy. Cried in therapy which I have not done in a year or more. I'm beyond moody. very emotional. very weepy. I don't know. Is it lonliness? Because the dating stuff has not worked out and has sapped my self confidence? Is it cause she will be moving here in a few months? Is it because he and I are in the "no contact" thing? I started using some hormonal cream--could it be that? i just dont know. And today thinking, realizing I still love him. Thought I'd gotten past that, but nooooo. memories keep flowing through my head. Do I want him back? Hell, no. tomorrow I'm going to the bank and try to open my own account. We have still been using the joint account for several reasons. Mostly I use it. He sometimes uses it. But it's past time for that to stop. Once that is done-hoping there is no problem-I will take the checkbooks and check card and mail them to him. We will no longer have any reason to be in contact...is that why I've been dragging my heels on doing this? Blocked him on email. Trying to figure out how to block him on my cell and home phone. i don't want to be friends. I don't want to be aquaintences. I want to be total strangers. the kind you walk right by cause you don't know each other. The way it was before I ever met him almost 25 years ago. I don't want to pretend I never met him. I want to totally forget I ever met him. And yet, i cry because I still love him.

Replies

BlueKnight69
BlueKnight69

I am right there with you! I really don\'t want to be friends. We have no ties whatsoever so there is no reason. She has completely moved on and doesn\'t have the respect or courtesy or self control to wait a few more months....I don\'t need someone like that in my life. Friend, foe, or ex...I just don\'t need it. Total strangers....hmmm...that would be nice. But, like you, I weep. I think I have to let go of what was, what I wanted it to be and what it wasn\'t. I have to embrace the now...which I am so stubbornly avoiding...Once I let go and start creating what I want, there will be no more past to bind me to her because I will be living in the now...I guess like she is...oh well, I think I confused the issue...lol...hugs
jaclyn1973
jaclyn1973

Thanks. There are so many issues, it\'s easy to get confused. It\'s easy to start down one road and end up somewhere else-LOL. I think a few of my friends think the total strangers thing is taking things too far. But I live in a small town. I have to have a way to protect my heart and my emotions from how its going to feel not if but when I run in to them. And the only thing that works for me is total strangers. I don\'t want to be introduced to her. I don\'t want to say how nice to meet you or make small talk with her. I don\'t want to see or speak to him. Total strangers is the only way to accomplish that, I know what you mean by self control and respect, etc. I BEGGED him to not go public about the woman he said didn\'t exist ( a lie he thought I believed) until the divorce was final. He promised there was nobody and he wouldn\'t do that to me if there was somebody. So, what did he do? Announced his engagement to her on Facebook 3 weeks before we got our final papers. some of my firends and relatives were still friends with him on FB-which is how I found out. I had stood by him and supported him through soooo many things even when he was at fault. That was the way he paid me back. And blaming the whole thing on me. UGH! I am going to take a page from your book. let go of what was (or what I thought was) and all the plans we had made. Let go of all of that and embrace the now. Keep my mind out of the past and only in the present. Thanks, I think that will help me a good bit. Take care!
BlueKnight69
BlueKnight69

Im glad I could help...just need to apply what I know so I can help myself...lol
jaclyn1973
jaclyn1973

hahaha, it\'s always easier to tell someone else what they should do than to do it ourselves.