Just like every day it seems for the last few weeks, I am up and down like a rollercoaster. It's so unlike me to have so many mood changes so quickly in the span of a day. Not sure why it's happening. Taking my meds-though I did forget today and yesterday. Went to therapy. Cried in therapy which I have not done in a year or more. I'm beyond moody. very emotional. very weepy. I don't know. Is it lonliness? Because the dating stuff has not worked out and has sapped my self confidence? Is it cause she will be moving here in a few months? Is it because he and I are in the "no contact" thing? I started using some hormonal cream--could it be that? i just dont know. And today thinking, realizing I still love him. Thought I'd gotten past that, but nooooo. memories keep flowing through my head. Do I want him back? Hell, no. tomorrow I'm going to the bank and try to open my own account. We have still been using the joint account for several reasons. Mostly I use it. He sometimes uses it. But it's past time for that to stop. Once that is done-hoping there is no problem-I will take the checkbooks and check card and mail them to him. We will no longer have any reason to be in contact...is that why I've been dragging my heels on doing this? Blocked him on email. Trying to figure out how to block him on my cell and home phone. i don't want to be friends. I don't want to be aquaintences. I want to be total strangers. the kind you walk right by cause you don't know each other. The way it was before I ever met him almost 25 years ago. I don't want to pretend I never met him. I want to totally forget I ever met him. And yet, i cry because I still love him.