3/16/2013

Started out ok. Didn't sleep terribly late even though I was up late. Talked myself in to taking the dog down to the riverfront for a walk. It was ok at first but....Tons of motorcycles in town. Such a pretty day for riding. Things we did together and planned to do together. couples couples and more couples. Kicks me in the gut. Even though I never did learn to ride it, makes me wish a little that I had not given him my motorcycle in the divorce. My head says I did the right thing cause I would never have ridden it, but...still. It's gonna be hard to see her riding with him. odd the things that make you hurt. I'm trying so hard to not become a recluse. My nature is in that direction and this makes it worse, but I dont want to do that. I want to still have a life-even if it's not the life I thought i was gonna have. Hard to push myself in to going out and doing things by myself. but I must. It's to easy to just lock myself in my apt. If I start doing that, it will be even harder to make myself go out because i know from experience that solitude can be addictive. I need to build my new life or at least a foundation before she moves here because it's going to be even harder to push myself outside by myself once she is here. and yet, I still didn't make myself go to social security yesterday to change my name and I still have not made appt with the audiologist to start the process of getting new hearing aids-even though I've had the money now for a week. Dragging my feet on these 2 issues even though they are so very very important. Hurting. headache is coming back becuase of stress. need to eat but just don't want to which makes headache worse. whine whine whine whine. All I do anymore is whine and feel sorry for myself even though I have a really great life. and it's not even that I want him-cause i dont. Sabatoging myself. If I'd get on the stick about the hearing aids, once I get them I would be closer to making myself go back to church which would be a huge help in building my new life. Instead i sit here feeling sorry for myself. crap, I dont even want to be around myself when I'm like this and I seriously thought I was well enough to cut back on my therapy sessions...yeah right.