I've lost track of the weeks. I looked forward to that. Didn't want to be defined by death. So in somewhere around 11ish weeks. I'm getting harder on myself. Doing less for myself, thinking less if myself, loving myself less. Not quite what I expected to happen. I don't think it's depression. I think it is pure grief. And I have so much to be grateful for, but I feel my heart sinking in my chest. Sinking and struggling to beat.
I'm 40 years old and can't look at myself in the mirror. I don't like who is looking back. A lonely woman. A lost woman. A shell. I worked really hard to look good before Mike died, but now it doesn't matter. How is that working for me? It's not but it is what it is. I miss that part of me.
I'm rambling because its what is in my head. Unable to concentrate and focus. I want to enjoy life. Enjoy my family. Enjoy my four wheeler.
I told my friend one day that I'm tired of waking up a widow every morning. Nights are so difficult. Only for sleep, which is elusive most if the time. Should I move his picture off the nightstand? I stole one of his pillows. That helped me sleep a couple of nights. Nothing is ever a permanent fix
Where am I going with this? Just rambling....
Just trying to get through this minor set back.
I'm 40 years old and can't look at myself in the mirror. I don't like who is looking back. A lonely woman. A lost woman. A shell. I worked really hard to look good before Mike died, but now it doesn't matter. How is that working for me? It's not but it is what it is. I miss that part of me.
I'm rambling because its what is in my head. Unable to concentrate and focus. I want to enjoy life. Enjoy my family. Enjoy my four wheeler.
I told my friend one day that I'm tired of waking up a widow every morning. Nights are so difficult. Only for sleep, which is elusive most if the time. Should I move his picture off the nightstand? I stole one of his pillows. That helped me sleep a couple of nights. Nothing is ever a permanent fix
Where am I going with this? Just rambling....
Just trying to get through this minor set back.
Replies
Oh Mel, I feel so bad for you. That mirror is a tricky thing. I think our real reflection was in the eye of our husbands and now that is gone. We see only our bad points and they saw only our beauty. In their eyes we were forever young, forever the girls they fell in love with. No one will ever be able to give us that, and that makes me sad. I still glance in the mirror, but have no idea who I\'m looking at any more. Some sad 57 year old widow. I read your anniversary post, again, my heart goes out to you. My goal was us to make it to 25 (3/2014) and if his treatment had worked we might have made. Good thoughts coming your way.