have not written in this forever, but i am just struggling on a different level now. I've done so well for so long, but I am just seeing an endless stretch of lonlieness ahead. I am only getting older. and I just don't have the energy and enthusiasm I had when this first all started about 2.5 years ago. Then I was going out to bars with single girlfriends and hopeful about the future even as I was going through a lot of internal pain - I honestly felt that I would eventually get back to a place of peace and normalcy. yes, I pictured a partner in that dream. Well, it hasn't happened. I do get interest. I have had TONS of dates. I even dated one man for 7 months, but ultimately (it's almost always me), I end it for one reason or another. I see now that the pattern is me being too picky? Maybe? I just can't envision getting sick and having no one to care. Traveling and never having anyone care when I get home. Never being able to tell someone about my day, dreading weeeknds because there are HOURS AND HOURS to fill and no one to talk to. I actually prefer work now. I am so empty. I am like a chatterbox the few times my son is at home with me, because I finally have someone to talk to. I do have friends, but seriously, this is no exxaggeration - I have on several occasions asked 7 different people to go do something, and NOT ONE is available. Then I get even more depressed because I felt i was being proactive and think no one cares about me even more!!! It's lonely. I don't want to be at bars till all hours with drunks. I want to figure out why I keep rejecting people -Why I expect perfection? I even forced myself to go out with one guy 8 times because he was nice, attractive, into fitness, intelligent, and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't feeling more towards him. I wish someone could fix me and fix this lonliness.....:(